An army Lieutenant resigns her commission to become a professional poker player, believing poker is safer than army combat, so she thought, until winning a huge amount from a psycho who seeks a deadly payback.
>>>believing poker is safer than army combat
That may have been an expectation, but that is not why she resigned her commission. And it’s an expectation so obvious, So it need not clutter up the logline.
And what is her specific, long-range objective goal? Like, to win the World Championship of Poker?
>>>who seeks a deadly payback
Seeks how? A logline should indicated how he plans to get payback.
It’s a good attempt at irony to have a former Lt. seek a peaceful income, but then there’s no irony in that character fighting for her life. No extra conflict as that character is equipped to battle a psycho. While she sounds innocent, why should we care about her? Is there more to the character and the stakes, like she has a family or takes care of an elderly parent? Were other characters considered?
A psycho fighting over a fair loss is not a relatable predicament. Think of a scenario that many people can see themselves in or understand the core of it. For example, since many poker players have financial partners, she signs with someone without doing enough research…and he’s the psycho who turns on her after x. I can relate to that based on a bad experience with a contractor.
So far the story is ‘Psycho is out to kill poker player/former Lt.’ What exactly is the hook? What makes this stand out? Next attempt, add that meat to the bone.