emvshahLogliner Posted: December 17, 20192019-12-17T22:40:26+10:00 2019-12-17T22:40:26+10:00In: Coming of AgeAn arrogant tattoo artist sets off on a cross country journey to track his missing girlfriend only to unravel memories he is refusing to acknowledge.– ShareFacebook5 ReviewsVotedOldestRecentMike Pedley United Kingdom (UK) 67 Loglines 651 Reviews 102 Best Reviews 51,084 Points View Profile Mike Pedley Singularity 2019-12-17T23:39:21+10:00Added an answer on December 17, 2019 at 11:39 pm Why is the fact he’s a tattoo artist relevant to the story? I’m not suggesting you change it, but we need to understand why that is the part of his existence you chose to represent him in a logline.What are the circumstances surrounding the disappearance of his girlfriend? Did she just leave him or was she kidnapped? Her disappearance is the inciting incident so I think it would be worth unpacking this and giving us a little more info. As it’s a “coming of age” film, I’m assuming she wasn’t kidnapped BUT it’s never a good idea to let your reader assume something. It’s always better to make sure the version of the story imagined in the reader’s head is as close to the story you want to tell.His goal “to track his missing girlfriend” – what will he do when he finds her. What’s his ultimate goal? To save her? To get back together. This is tied in with the inciting incident. Unpack the I.I. and tell us what his aim is once he’s found her.“only to unravel memories he is refusing to acknowledge” – I’m not entirely sure I understand what this means. It seems to be something that happens entirely inside his head so what will this look like on screen? How does it affect his goal? If you want his journey to be one of self-discovery and learning from the past, you need to include physical objects that we can see on screen that are from his past. Does he stay with old friends en route and they discuss his past?His internal arc needs to be represented visually on screen. This is usually done by connecting the internal and external arc so that finding an objective goal results in him resolving his internal one.What happens if he doesn’t track her down? We need to understand what happens if he fails as then we’ll understand why it’s important for him to start this quest to begin with. Why MUST he find her again?I love a good coming of age film and I think the idea of a solo trip across the states, revisiting things that help him learn who he is and why he is, is an interesting one. I think this one just needs a few more details and more visual things so I can picture the whole story in my head. I look forward to seeing where this goes.0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppdpg 105 Loglines 5,521 Reviews 557 Best Reviews 112,081 Points View Profile dpg Singularity 2019-12-18T00:52:20+10:00Added an answer on December 18, 2019 at 12:52 am As mikepedley85 said.I think the protagonist being a tattoo artist is interesting, would add color and perchance complications to the script.But I’m not sure that description belongs in a logline.? Every word in a logline should serve the plot, the protagonist’s objective goal.? Any defining characteristic of the protagonist in a logline should be relevant to the objective goal.? Either it should? pose a problem to the character getting what he wants (aka: a character flaw) or it should be a special skill or ability that he must have to achieve the goal.How will knowing how to lay down ink on skin help him find his missing girlfriend?? For that matter, how will his arrogance pose a problem to his finding her?>>>.only to unravel memories he is refusing to acknowledge.A logline is about what a protagonist intentionally and proactively seeks, what he desperately wants,? not about what he unintentionally discovers or is reacting against, trying to avoid, like unpleasant memories.fwiw0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppdpg 105 Loglines 5,521 Reviews 557 Best Reviews 112,081 Points View Profile dpg Singularity 2019-12-18T01:41:52+10:00Added an answer on December 18, 2019 at 1:41 am emvshah:I suggest one way of connecting his tattoo skill to her is that he developed a relationship with her while giving her a tattoo, the best he’s ever done so far. A love story ensues.? And then she mysteriously disappears.? (And the tattoo is unusual, metaphorically significant .)Another question: you tag the? story as a coming of age.? How old is he?? What concerns me that he could certainly have the raw talent for ink, but doesn’t it takes years to develop the skill, acquire the experience, build a reputation?0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppKnightrider 93 Loglines 182 Reviews 14 Best Reviews 5,041 Points View Profile Knightrider Mentor 2019-12-19T17:16:44+10:00Added an answer on December 19, 2019 at 5:16 pm I feel like the tatto artist could play a role much like the TV show Blindspot. Maybe his partner is dead and the only clues are tattoos he did but doesn?t remember doing.What if murders were happening and the killer was leaving a calling card? A tattoo on his victims that this person is known for doing, and he has to unravel the mystery behind his own design inspirations to unravel the true nature of this killer.Basically like others have said why does this person need to be a tattoo artist0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppTony Edward 15 Loglines 278 Reviews 7 Best Reviews 1,450 Points View Profile Tony Edward Samurai 2019-12-22T15:10:26+10:00Added an answer on December 22, 2019 at 3:10 pm For me – the profession is neither here nor there– the issue is in the vagueness of the complication — “…only to unravel memories he is refusing to acknowledge…”. Without this being specified I don’t really know what this is about (the core function of a logline…) other than a dude (and an arrogant one at that…) trying to track down his (current?) girlfriend… which is kinda ‘blerrr’. Definitely has potential if you can give us more of what the complication is… or put another way — at the moment there is no “Why..?” Best of luck with it 🙂0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppYou must login to can add an answer. Username or email* Password* Remember Me! Forgot Password?