An impulsive 14-year-old goes to epic lengths and sparks a national emergency trying to find case of beer to impress his older brother.
tschrackPenpusher
An impulsive 14-year-old goes to epic lengths and sparks a national emergency trying to find case of beer to impress his older brother.
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Maybe you mean:
To impress his older brother, an impulsive teen goes to epic lengths and sparks a national emergency.
Thanks Ben! Do you think it’s stronger starting with “To impress his older brother?” That does announce the stakes right off the bat… I also like teen more than 14-year-old… I assume you agree?
To impress his older brother, an impulsive teen goes to epic lengths and sparks a national emergency trying to find case of beer for him.
tschrack,
It sounds good to me. You should also know that to me, impressing his older brother is not the stake. The stake is what will happen if he does not impress his older brother. You don’t always need a stake if you’ve said your story in your logline.
You’ve said:
1- The CHARACTER/POV: describe sociology/function and psychology/behaviour.
2- The MAJOR EVENT: this is the inciting incident, the call to adventure, catalyst etc.
and
3- The ACTION/GOAL: describe what the MC tries to achieve for most of the story.
The stake comes under optional inclusions
(these are often implied by the elements above)
the STAKES: for high concept stories, the stakes are implied in the basic logline
the OBSTACLE/ANTAGONIST: often part of the Action, or suggested by the Event
the HERO’S FLAW: this will express the theme and character journey/transformation.
Still, you may want to ask others’ opinions. To me, it says what you wanted to say.
Good Luck
Thanks so much!