An incompetent manager but brilliant schemer is late to a meeting and blames his absence on a death in the family of a new employee; paranoid that the company owner will discover all his previous lies, his actions to cover up this lie become more and more radical.

    A Death in the Family

    Penpusher Posted on August 17, 2015 in Public.
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    5 Review(s)

      The MC description is too long pick one character description that elaborates on a flaw then let the logline set up a situation where the MC needs to overcome this flaw.

      The inciting incident is of his own doing, he was late, and therefore would presumably on a regular basis. This means it was not a significant enough of an event to drive the MC to take action. Is there a better event that happens to the MC out of his control that forces him to do something? IF so best to use that as the inciting incident if not best to make one up to replace the current one.

      If his only goal is to lie successfully to his boss he comes across as an anti hero. This is fine as an inner journey and worked well in Liar Liar but the MC had a clear outer goal in that film to get his family back.

      I think to make this premise work best to add a goal that necessitates him to lie for a “good reason” not a selfish one. If not then at least hint at a mid act 2 reversal where he realizes his lie can help someone else and makes him switch from selfish to noble.

      Other wise the logline has too many words describing vague plot points as the goal is to continuously lie with no definitive end. Can you specify the point at which the story ends beyond any doubt? If so make the action he needs to take to bring about this final resolution the MC’s goal.

      Hope this helps.

      Singularity Answered on August 17, 2015.
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        This is halfway to a one-paragraph summary. Cut it down to the basics: protagonist, goal, antagonist, stakes.

        Samurai Answered on August 18, 2015.
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          After lying about a tragedy befalling a staff member a manager must hack more and more elaborate schemes to hide his deception.

          Or something like that, just hit the big beats.

          Singularity Answered on August 19, 2015.
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            Hatch not hack, working off a phone, sorry

            Singularity Answered on August 19, 2015.
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              A tad long and wordy. Interesting idea however…..

              Default Answered on August 25, 2015.
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