An wheelchair-bound college girl must use her physical abilities and mental acumen to save her trapped friends from zombies who have surrounded their cottage.
I think you could probably remove “use her physical abilities and mental acumen”. If you said “must save her trapped friends” I would assume she would be using both of these things anyway.
This leaves you with:
A wheelchair-bound college girl must save her trapped friends from zombies who have surrounded their cottage.
So… who is she? In the previous iteration of this logline (in future, it’s better to do revisions within the original post so everyone can see the evolution and associated comments all in one place) she was insecure. This hinted at a character arc so I would consider adding that back in – assuming, of course, that she goes from insecure to confident.
You’ve lost the MPR from the previous iteration. Personally, I felt that was the strongest thing in this idea so I’m a little disappointed that it’s been dropped. The idea of the zombies trying to save this girl was my favourite thing about it.
Other than that, it has all the elements but it lacks something. I feel like it almost needs to tell us more details about how she’s going to save them. I struggle, at the moment, to see how it sustains a 90min+ runtime. This wasn’t something I thought was a problem with the version including the MPR.
More specificity might be necessary to really get the feel for this. “Their cottage” consider “their remote cottage” for example. Just little tweaks to give the reader an idea what they’re watching. If it’s a remote cottage in the woods, tell us that. It’ll help a producer think about locations and budgets etc. The more specific you can be (without getting too wordy) the more unique your logline will feel.
Hope this helps in some way.
It’s an interesting point – I thought it would be but a reader who saw my screenplay said, even with the added feature of the friends plotting to kill the wheelchair girl, the hook wasn’t good enough…. it’s hard for me to tell what would have been a better hook… I really want to tell an empowerment plot-based horror flick because I haven’t seen that many produced lately…
I get this wheelchair-bound character it helps to ramp up the primal fear factor, but in horror movies remember evil is the star. That is what folks are paying to see. If you want a story where your wheelchair-bound character prevails e.g. “girl must use her physical abilities and mental acumen to save” shoot for a Thriller or in this case Thriller-horror mashup.
Curious to know if you are going to rewrite based on the coverage you received.
If so, I would pay to see the following 😉
- A murderous girl clique lures an easy target (wheelchair-bound girl) to their lake cabin kill zone but gets the shock of their life when they discover she teams up with their former victims (zombies) to turn the tables.
- A wheelchair-bound girl must escape from the observation deck of a quarantined Empire State Building during a blackout as hordes of zombies chew their way up the 102 floors.