Being mocked for his frequent hemorrhoids, a frustrated teenager forms a group with elderly patients to protest and make people sympathetic towards them.
First of all, I just looked up hemorrhoids and I’m not entirely sure it’s something kids would want to hear about? I say that because you put it in the “Family” category. But second, and more craft-y, I’m hung up on the word “nagged”. If you had said “mocked”, I would get it. But nagged? Like someone’s trying to push him into dealing with the hemorrhoids, but he won’t? But he’s willing to go to all that trouble to form a group? I’m sure you meant mocked? Anyways, this sounds like it could be pretty fun, the idea of a teen teaming up with the elderly on anything really. Just maybe something slightly less gross, if it’s for kids. 🙂
Why is he being “nagged” about something that isn’t his fault? Who is nagging him? And how do they know about his malady? It’s not something that is normally common knowledge, that regular people would disclose to anyone and everyone they know.
Making people more sympathetic is unrealistic and likely not going to solve the kid’s problem. If he’s got a problem with how other people are treating him, he would be better off changing his perception of what is bothersome and living a better life, instead of trying to change everyone else. The moral of the story is if someone hurts your feelings, form a mob and make them change. Granted this particular story has a comic element to it with the geriatrics and hemorrhoids, but it’s still pretty much the same.
It would be more mature and realistic if the kid learned to grow as a person by ignoring the bad kids and finding a better group of friends (in this case the oldies).
Sticks and stones…
I really like the idea of a young person teaming up with a team of elderly patients but I agree with all the other comments. Definitely think there’s a possible story here I’m just not sure it should revolve around haemorrhoids. Maybe the kid gets in trouble with the law and has to do community service with the elderly. He thinks it’s gonna be a real chore but actually starts enjoying his time with them so much that he starts campaigning for them to get better treatment in the community.
Perhaps change it from elderly patients to elderly sufferers or even “the haemorrhoidic elderly”.
Since anyone at any age can get haemorrhoids (although it’s more common in older age), couldn’t it be a “forms a support group of fellow sufferers…”
If the aim of the protagonist is to raise awareness about haemorrhoids and make them more accepted in society then surely having a diverse group of sufferers will say a lot more than a group of the stereotypical elderly sufferers.