Chris and his team plan to renovate a community of vacant row houses. After forcing a squatter out of one of the homes, they soon realize the neighborhood has a very dark history.
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I think you misunderstood the previous commentators when they asked “who is the lead character?” They didn’t mean give us his name, proper names have no place in loglines, rather they meant describe the lead character using traits that will either help or hurt him reach his goal.
Now what is the lead’s goal? What does he want to do after he realizes the neighbor hood has a “dark history”? Does he give up? Does he continue? Does he stop construction and call in a witch doctor?
As others said previously,? “dark history” is too vague to be interesting. How does your lead realize there is a dark history? Do his men start dying in odd accidents? Does he see ghosts? Be specific. You can hide the big reveal that comes at the end, but the essence of the first act must be clear.
Finally, a good place to start learning about loglines is by clicking on the “Formula” link at the top of the page.
So how does the dark history impact the story?
How do they react to it?
How does it shape their actions?
What is the story?
Think of yourself as a producer reading 100 loglines. If I can?t see a story I have 99 more to read away.
After evicting the last squatter a construction team finds bodies under the floors of the row houses they are renovating.
Does the final squatter impact the story and what they do? If not drop that person from your logline.
After discovering a skeleton while ?renovating rows house, supernatural attackes start. The boss forces them to keep working after failing to report the skeletal remains.
These are not great and not your story. ?But you can see the shape of the story.
When a house renovator forces a squatter out of his home, he finds out the neighbourhood has a dark history, and must?
After he forces a squatter out of his home, a house renovator learns the neighbourhood has a dark history, and must??
INTENTION: ? What do you think his intention is? His main objective goal? What happens next? Does he have to fight off the squatters??
OBSTACLE: Person above is right. ?Dark history? is too vague. We need something stronger and more specific. What is this guy actually up against??
I?d try to get that intention and obstacle as strong as possible.?
Anyways – good luck. Hope this helps.
A logline’s primary function is to describe a plot. A plot is a sequence of events connected via cause and effect. In this logline, there seems to be a disconnect between what’s happening and what the characters do. Describe the first event that forces the MC to have to pursue a goal and then describe the goal. In what way did they discover the dark history? What specifically happened? What is this history, and why does it motivate the MC? Lastly, as a result, what must the MC achieve?