Death has been conquered, adrenalin drained at the point of death creates the immortality pill used by the rich and privalged. God sickened by the murder of innocents unleashes his wraith on the immortals.

    People are murdered so the rich can live for ever. God decides to avenge his children in the form of angels.

    Default Posted on August 5, 2012 in Public.
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    8 Review(s)

    The concept isn’t bad, but I don’t think you’ve nailed down your story fully or if so, it doesn’t show in the logline- see notes on the site re creating a log line. Its too wordy to begih with. there is an inciting event ( the murder of innocents?- which I didn’t glean from your log line but the comment below), so this should be the first part of your log line, followed by what the protaganist then does… I’m assuming your ‘hero is god, so is he going ti take on a human or other cinematic form that we can actually see? Such as ‘when a group of rich businesspoeple embark on a murderous campaign to gain eternal life, god appears in ……….. form to avenge death and then……….’Or if your protaganist is going to be one of the bad guys, they need to be built into the log line also, and some idea of how the story will end needs to be added.

    Default Answered on August 6, 2012.
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    I think the concept shows promise but there are aspects of the log line that are far too long and vague and would suggest you look at the guidelines on this site. Firstly, there is an inciting event, which I assume is the murder of innocents- this isn’t even clear in your log line at present, and needs to be at the beginning – eg ” when a group of inoocents are murdered, “the protaganist does…………”
    Which brings me to my second comment- who is the protaganist? And do they have a flaw which they must overcome to do good/ evil? If its god, I’d strongly suggest that you have him appear in the form of something, as an invisible being doesn’t make great viewing. The protaganists goal then needs to be clear and also some hint of the end result. The urgency is already apparent in the murderous rampage which is good.

    Default Answered on August 6, 2012.
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    With what I’m seeing here, I can only assume God is the main character. So with that in mind, there needs to be some sort of resistance against him. “… but Science has discovered ways to keep the almighty himself in check.” Something like that.

    I assumed God was the protagonist because he’s the only single person mentioned. But it also sounds like he could be the antagonist, making an immortal the anti-hero. Maybe your lead is an immortal learning that immortality doesn’t come free. There are horrible things he was kept in the dark about, things done to keep him (and others) living on forever. And he makes a moral choice to fight against it. Then on top of everything, God is reigning down on them!

    Default Answered on August 7, 2012.
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      Hi some great advice here, the initial logline was really just a thought I had while looking around on this site. I have updated the logline to this:

      “Resurrected by god, a lone soldier with unearthly powers must find and destroy the ultimate evil behind the immortality pill before humanity is destroyed forever.”

      The basic idea is that there are prison camps where the vulnerable are tortured until there souls are released, they are then used for the immortality pill. The rich, privileged etc use the pill to live forever, the knock on effect is nobody goes to heaven. God is angered by this new world order and resurrects a lone soldier to restore the balance using his unearthly powers god has granted him. Satan is the big bad guy who has actually created hell on earth, innocents killed while the greedy evil types are granted immortality.
      What do you think?

      Default Answered on August 9, 2012.
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        Hi I have updated the protaginist in a new logline, thanks for the tips.

        Default Answered on August 9, 2012.
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          I have thought about the story a little more and posted a new logline. Thanks for the advice.

          Default Answered on August 9, 2012.
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            Hi I have shortened the logline, I think ot is a little better know.

            Default Answered on August 9, 2012.
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              It sounds unusual. I’m honestly not sure what to think. Maybe it would be better if one of the people in the prison camps becomes our hero and triumphs over the evil instead of a soldier sent down from god. That might make it more exciting.

              Default Answered on August 14, 2012.
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