emvshahLogliner Asked: December 30, 20192019-12-30T14:07:41+10:00 2019-12-30T14:07:41+10:00In: AdventureDuring a cross-country journey to track his missing girlfriend Nisha, Dhondup finds himself reluctantly involved in the lives of people who all seem to have a connection to her in some way.– ShareFacebook2 ReviewsVotedOldestRecentdpg 105 Loglines 5,551 Reviews 551 Best Reviews 112,204 Points View Profile dpg Singularity 2019-12-30T22:53:28+10:00Added an answer on December 30, 2019 at 10:53 pm As a general rule, loglines for fictional stories should not include the proper names of characters.? More important than a proper name is a defining characteristic.>>>finds himself reluctantly involvedMakes him seem passive, reactive when the job of a protagonist is to be proactive, to be the active agent in the story.? Also, it’s vague as to how he becomes involved.? “Reluctantly involved” could mean 101 different things, which is to say it means nothing in terms of providing a producer, agent or director with the specific details they are looking for as to what the script is about.Also isn’t he seeking out people who have a connection with her — how else can he find her?? So the story isn’t? that he finds people who are connected to her.? I’m guessing the story might be in the nature of those connections that provide clues to the mystery of her disappearance.I suggest refocusing the logline around his objective goal:? to find his missing girlfriend.? He can’t find her — why?? What’s the primary obstacle, complication that frustrates his search?? What is the mystery in her vanishing he must solve?fwiw0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppdpg 105 Loglines 5,551 Reviews 551 Best Reviews 112,204 Points View Profile dpg Singularity 2020-01-02T13:19:33+10:00Added an answer on January 2, 2020 at 1:19 pm emvshah:Over time I have developed a template that I use to both brainstorm plots and evaluate loglines. I did a work up of your premise (as I understand it).? Not every question applies.? And my answers are, of course, subjective; some of them may be way, way off the mark.What matters is if they provide some useful ideas for you to brainstorm and logline your story ideas.So, fwiw:What is the premise??? The “What if?”? The seed concept or organizing idea for the whole story?A young man goes on a cross-country serach for his girlfriend after she mysteriously disappears.What is your passion for the story?Which is to ask: what is your personal story hook?? What got you interested in telling this story?? Why do you want to want to tell this story?? Why MUST you tell it?? Which sets up my? next question.What is the hook, the story bait??What is the sizzle?? What is there about your story that will immediately hook other people’s attention, makes them want to read the script?? What is the sizzle in the script that will make them want to make the movie?A colorful character?In an earlier draft you described him as a tatoo artist.? Well, that could be colorful character trait.? But that trait must also must be functional.? That is, in some way it must be relevant to his relationship to the missing woman– how they connected.? Or the? tatoo he gave her is so eye-catching,? is a vital clue for getting people to ID her as he follows her trail.A novel situation?Well, not exactlyAn intriguing relationship?The tattoo could be a “bonding agent” in their relationship that makes him want to find her.? But I’m just guessing how that may play out.An unusual, exotic setting?Could be some visually interesting stops along the way.Does it stimulate the reader’s imagination?In this version, not so much.? In the earlier version, that he’s a tattoo artist, maybe more.What sets it apart from similar stories?Well, what does set it apart from other similar stories about somone looking for a lost loved one?What archetype is evoked?This question comes to my mind when the plot seems to, less or more, conform to the Hero’s Journey plot paradigm.? I’m not sure this one does.Is the premise High Concept?That is short and sizzling.In terms of brevity?No.In terms of sizzle?No.If for a series, is there a plot? engine? built? into the pilot?N/AWho is the protagonist?A young tattoo artist.Is the protagonist driving the plot?Yes, but not fully.? He’s driving around,? but I get the impression he is also? getting sucked into other people’s problems instead of solving his own.Is the logline framed from the pov of the? character the audience should root for?YesWhat is his character strength or defining characteristic?Not apparentWhat is his character flaw or vulnerability?Not apparentAre the defining characteristics (DC) congruent to the dramatic struggle?NoWhat is the rooting factor?He’s trying to find someone he loves.What is the inciting incident (II)?None indicated explicityly. Implied in that she has gone missing.What becomes his objective goal (OG)?Find the missing girl.Is the OG specific and concrete?Yes.Is there a clear causal link between the inciting incident (II) and the objective goal (OG)?N/AIs the premise and plot credible, believable?Yes.Is there an indicator?Yes.? The logline indicates it will be a cross-country trip with many scenes of various locations, interesting and varied people.Who is the antagonist?None indicatedWhat are the stakes?Reclaiming a love lost.Is there a ticking clock?NoDoes the plot feel active and externally visualized?Yes.What is the subjective need?Love (?)Is there a unifying theme?Not apparentIs it tweetable?Yes.Who is the target audience?Young adults, a prime demographic.What is the cathexis for the audience?That is, the emotional connection, the universal values and situations that an audience can ID with, emotionally invest in.? I’m guessing people might ID with the love interest that got away, that disappeared.Is it big enough to fill the format?Seems to be.My take away:My interest was stimulated by an earlier version wherein the young man was described as a tattoo artist. That is dropped in this version. And in the earlier version his skill/trade doesn’t seem to be integrated with the plot. It seems like a throwaway description.0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppYou must login to add an answer. Username or email* Password* Remember Me! Forgot Password?