During the Egyptian Unification War, a hybrid must fulfill his destiny; but when a corpse awakes, he must discover the human soul to become the god of the dead Anubis.

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    Penpusher Posted on October 6, 2019 in Adventure.
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      OK, there is a lot of house cleaning you must do here.

      1. The Egyptian Unification War is not an event that everybody has in their minds. At first, I was looking for a 20th century event. Hey, I am not a historian, but neither are lots of people. It would be enough to just mention ancient Egypt.

      2. What is a hybrid?!? I mean, what is a hybrid in your story?

      3. “…must fulfill his destiny…” is too generic to mean anything. In a sense, there is a destiny for everyone of us to fulfill. This sentence is just dead weight.

      4. “… when a corpse awakens…” is also inadequate. Whose corpse is it? Is it a king’s mummy? And why is this the inciting incident? What relation does the protagonist have with the dead person?

      5. “… he must discover the human soul…” again means nothing specific. Each person has a soul, don’t we agree in this? Which human soul must he discover?

      6. “… to become Anubis.” By the end of this logline, I don’t care what the protagonist’s goal is, because I haven’t engaged at all.

      (By the way, it took me 3–4 reads to understand it’s supposed to mean “the good of the dead [COMMA] Anubis” and not “the good of the [dead Anubis].” Punctuation matters. It’s better if you write it “Anubis, the God of the Dead.”

      In general, this logline is a patchwork of different parts that don’t make much sense. Find the organic relationship between them and let us hear the story in a few words.

      Mentor Answered on October 6, 2019.

      I mean “god,” not “good.” Mobile phone typing…

      on October 6, 2019.

      Thank you a lot! I’ll try again, based on your observations. Really, this site is great for newbies like me.

      on October 6, 2019.
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