A lawsuit for his wife?s injury offers a homeless group leader a ticket out? until a member of his flock threatens to testify. Now he must resort to extreme measure to stop him.
torgodogLogliner
A lawsuit for his wife?s injury offers a homeless group leader a ticket out? until a member of his flock threatens to testify. Now he must resort to extreme measure to stop him.
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This concept sounds like an interesting drama. ?But the story revolving around homeless people doesn’t work for me. ?I would prefer to see this story told around people just like me trapped in a train station and struggling to survive as their personal conflicts escalate out of control. ?That would feel like a story ripe with social commentary and interesting ideas. ?And I could easily buy that regular people could be trapped at a train station. ?Especially a small one in the winter.
I agree. Can you imagine a producer spending millions to produce a movie about homeless people, unless they have really compelling transitions.
Better to make it about ordinary people.
Personally, I don’t think the homeless people angle is really a hindrance, but also, I don’t really think it’s important to mention in the logline. You don’t sketch a clear plot, though.
Suggestion: When five are trapped in a train station…
Then just insert a plot there, such as “they must put aside their differences in order to escape the gunman holding them hostage.” Or some such. Just give the characters a clear goal.
I know say this a lot on this site,- but- you need a lead character and the lead character must want something. This is an interesting situation but to improve the logline you should focus on a lead character.
Here would be an example of what I mean:
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“After he’s fired and loses his apartment, a department store Santa is determined to give his son a perfect Christmas, even though they are forced to move into an abandoned train station with a group of homeless families.”
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Hope that helps, good luck with this!
Actually, not to attack the other reviewers, but that mentality is why studios consider “normal” movies to be a movie that has lead of a straight, white male. They figure that they don’t want that audience to be deterred from seeing a film just because a woman, or Asian person is the lead, different from the “normal” moviegoer or “normal” American.
Personally, I think the homeless angle would be refreshing and more interesting. It’s quite possible these people have nothing but the clothes on their backs, and possibly, each other, depending on the story. But now, whatever petty differences they may have, they are forced to deal with them in order to survive.
>”?That would feel like a story ripe with social commentary and interesting ideas. ?And I could easily buy that regular people could be trapped at a train station.” One misconception about homeless people is that they aren’t “regular” as you say. But really there are?homeless people are people that have steady jobs but lost their homes, for whatever reason. A story highlighting homeless people is ripe for social commentary that isn’t normally depicted in film, such as the attitude people have toward homeless people, seeing themselves as being better than them, and plenty of other topics. I read an article recently about a homeless woman who was raped and when she went to the police they told her something along the lines of, “That’s why they made houses, to prevent rape.” Which is ridiculous because a lot of people are raped by people they know and trust, meaning someone they would let into their home.
The ensemble cast also allows for a diverse cast., with each person getting the spotlight.
Like I said, I didn’t mean to attack DylanK or Zentaneous, Your perspectives just sparked a discussion for me.
That they are homeless is the cause of their predicament; it’s why they end up in a train station; they have no where else to dwell.
However, I’m not so sure about them taking up temporary residence in a train station (unless it is an abandoned). ?If the story is set in U.S., ?generally speaking they would be considered vagrants. ?They might be able to loiter during the cay, but they would not allowed to stay overnight.
Why not leave them homeless on the street during a blizzard?
Setting it around the Xmas holiday season is okay; ?the story plays on the sentiments of the season.
“you need a lead character and the lead character must want something”
In this case I disagree, while maybe for a new writer tackling a story with no lead may prove to be challenging.(and I don’t know torgodog’s experience, so no comment there) But at least this idea leads itself to not really focus more on one character. The story is specifically about the interaction between all the characters, so focusing on one character would put the other characters(like I said before, possibly diverse characters) in smaller roles. The film would end up being more about the MC’s relationships with the others, as opposed to giving all the conflicts equal time to develop.
That’s my opinion, anyway.
It’s an ensemble story. ?For the purpose of the plotting and a logline, even ensemble stories may benefit from having ?a “first among equals”, a primary character. ?In this case, it could be one character who makes it his cause and responsibility to organize the group, keep them alive for the duration.
And to be homeless and destitute is to have an objective goal of merely surviving until the next day. ( I know; been there, done that.) ?It would be more obvious, however, and more dramatically compelling if they were on the streets rather than in a train station — if they had no place to take shelter from adverse circumstances ?like (as I suggested earlier) a blizzard.
Well, yes, for the logline focusing on one character may be beneficial. But if they all have the same objective goal, then the logline could go without a focus character. I suppose Avengers is a bad example because it’s established the characters before and such, but anyway, the logline wouldn’t be “After an agent dies, Tony Stark must stop Loki…” Because the focus isn’t on Stark(though Stark and Cap probably have the most screentime between the two of them). A better one that includes all of the characters would be something like, “After an agent is killed, six superheroes must come together to stop Loki…” That’s all I meant, really.
Now, if one character is really the inciting character, say framing Nick Fury as the protagonist, “When a ?threat arises, Nick Fury must get six superheroes to come together to stop the threat. ”
I suppose it really just depends on the story.
As a rule of thumb a single protagonist is preferable, and as mentioned, especially for a beginner writer. However for a multi protagonist plots the protagonists would need to have the same goal for the script to work well.
When a leader of a group takes a stand for a woman in his flock he is forced to re-examine his values in?cruel, merciless world of the homeless in which some fall all the way to the bottom, while?a few struggle?to retain some remnants of human dignity.
What does “take a stand” mean? ?How does that translate into a specific objective goal?
And I don’t recommend including statements about “re-examining values”… “merciless world” … “human dignity”, ?yada-yada. ?If you want to send a message about how lousy and unjust the world is– use Instagram. ?It doesn’t belong in a logline.
I mean no disrespect for your passion for social justice nor am I discounting the seriousness of being homeless. ?As I said, I know first hand what it’s like. ?I’m ?just saying.
“When a leader of a group takes a stand for a woman in his flock he is forced to re-examine his values in?cruel, merciless world of the homeless in which some fall all the way to the bottom, while?a few struggle?to retain some remnants of human dignity.”
The incident does not have a clear connection to being “forced to re-examine his values”. Aside from the fact that that is vague, it needs to have a clear connection to the inciting incident.
The logline should answer these questions:
Who is the protagonist? Which yours does.
What is ?his goal? Yours does not answer this clearly. An objective goal. Does he want to be able to have a house again? Does he want to kill someone? Does he want to stop someone from dying? Does he need to find medicine for someone who is sick? Define a clear goal, that the inciting incident sparks.
What does he do in order to achieve his goal? Does he find himself a good job in order to pay for a house? Does he try to get a loan? Does he get a gun and track down someone to kill? Does he go on a journey in the wilderness to find an ancient cure?
Define the goal and the action the protagonist takes to reach it, and you have your logline.
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“Ben?s dream of having a home again is within his reach? But when he confronts a member of his homeless group in order to protect a woman he inadvertently puts his only chance out of homelessness in jeopardy.”
Take out the first part altogether.
The main character is identified, but don’t use names.
He has a goal, to not be homeless.
What action does he take to achieve his goal? You still have not given a specific answer to this question.
Besides, how is it that one homeless man confronting another(not specific enough because while it is implied, he could simply verbally confront him which would make less sense) homeless man “inadvertently puts his only chance out of homelessness in jeopardy”? Again, be specific.
So, basically, my suggestion is to cut out the first part, and replace “inadvertently puts his only chance out of homelessness in jeopardy” with a clear action he takes to not be homeless. Also, make sure the action is clearly connected to the inciting incident.
“A prospective lawsuit for his wife?s serious injury offers a leader of small homeless group a sudden ticket out of homelessness. That is until a member of his flock threatens to testify against their case. How far is he willing to go to silence this newly found ?witness??”
It would probably be best to make another post with a revised logline. However, under 30 words, what the logline should be is an answer to “How far is he willing to go to silence this newly found ?witness??”
You shouldn’t ask a question in the logline. The logline is used to help you pitch your idea to someone who will be able to get it made.
As I said before in previous reviews: Whata is his goal, and how does he achieve it? That’s all you need in the logline, other than absolute essential exposition.
Example: When a homeless man’s wife is injured in a store, he sues them in the hope that he get enough money to pull themselves out of homelessness. (~27 words)
While not great, it does have a goal(to get out of homelessness) and his action(suing).
torgodog:
The logline has certainly morphed ?from the ?original posting, version 1.0. ?Obviously, you want to “chew on the bone” of homelessness. ?Why? ? What is the central issue about homelessness that you want to explore?