Revised: Exes – A 25 year old unemployed woman asks her depressed ex-boyfriend from college for a urine sample in order to pass a drug test for a potential job at her Father’s sign shop. In doing this she wants to enable herself to move out of her Mother’s house and re-enter the dating scene.

wesleytilford Penpusher Asked on November 7, 2018 in Comedy.
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5 Review(s)

So her goal is to re-enter the dating scene, but in order to do that she must move out of her mothers house, in order to do that she must get a job at her father’s business, but in order to do that she must pass the urinalysis, but in order to do that she must ask her ex-boyfriend for a sample… Okay, got it.

Okay, she gets the urine sample, passes the test, gets the job, moves out and then starts dating. The End.

Where is the conflict?

Richiev Singularity Reviewed on November 7, 2018.
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The logline needs to be more specific; it needs to show — not hide — the the game ball.  Or maybe balls. By game balls I mean objects and objectives that everyone is fighting over, that are the sources of the conflict.


>>>asks…for a favor
What’s the favor?  Donate some of his urine for her to pass it off as her own?  This is the inciting incident, the kick off.  Whatever kicks off the plot needs to be revealed — not hidden — in a logline.  

And why does she need to take  a drug test?  To get a job?   What is her objective goal?

>>she re-opens old wounds
Are those wounds literal or figurative?  Be specific.  Whatever they are they don’t constitute the objective goal; rather the “wounds” constitute a complication to achieving her objective.  Which again is…?

dpg Singularity Reviewed on November 7, 2018.

Just put a revision up with those notes in mind. Thanks!

on November 7, 2018.
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“When her potential employer demands a urinalysis, a selfish woman, desperate to move from her mother’s house, must complete 10 favors for a disgruntled ex-boyfriend in order to secure a clean sample.”
Title: The Ten Favors

or if that is too obscure

Title: The Ten Labors 

(I see this as a redemption story, the woman is selfish and was a terrible person. The angry Ex, in order to get even for all the hell she put him through when they were dating demands she do 10 Favors, however through it all she begins to see the person she was which causes her to become a better person by the end of the movie, and of course the two end up falling in love)

Richiev Singularity Reviewed on November 7, 2018.
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The revised logline reveals the game balls.  Three of them:  get a job, move out of her mom’s house, re-enter the dating arena.  However, for the purpose of a logline, as well as framing a plot, one of them has to be the most important, the one that constitutes the overarching objective goal.  All the others others are sub goals — milestones along the way to the most important goal.  Which is…?

Does she want to play the dating scene for fun and one night stands — or is she seriously in search of a mate?

dpg Singularity Reviewed on November 7, 2018.
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