Faith and basketball inspire an abandoned boy to set three improbable goals both on and off the hardwood with surprising results.
Hi Carllord –
INTENTION: three improbable goals — but why? what are the goals?
OBSTACLE: they are improbable goals. We need something stronger here.
This is a quick shot at it using the original logline:
After a near-death experience, a boy with dreams of basketball stardom, sets out to accomplish three impossible goals.
Hmm – we’re basically missing a really strong obstacle standing in his way.
And an inciting incident (I used a near-death experience to inspire his faith.)
We really need to know the goals.
Admittedly, we probably don’t need “a boy with dreams of basketball stardom”. Aspiring basketball player would probably suffice.
DPG is right. We don’t need “with surprising results”. The reader will fill it in.
>>>with surprising results.
Well, of course, the results will be surprising. That’s not a story hook, that’s SOP in every good story, the gap between what a character expects to happen and what actually happens. The story hook is in what is unusual, unique about what happens. Which this logline leaves us clueless. Again: we need specifics.
BTW: In various iterations, you’ve characterized your protagonist as earnestly religious. But I don’t get a sense (yet) in the loglines how that plays out in terms of conflict not only between his mother but also the pressure placed upon him to compromise his values while playing in a fiercely competitive sport. And to compromise under peer pressure (He’s at the age when he’s most vulnerable to temptations and inducements to conform, to compromise, to go along in order to get along, be accepted by others, especially the In Group.)
Seems to me those values should be under attack from all quarters of his life.