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HennyLogliner
Hey guys, I shot a short film and need a little help on my logline. It’s been bothering me for months! It’s a romantic comedy. Short film. Do any of you have any suggestions on cleaning it up? Would love any help I could get. Thanks guys. “After burying themselves in their work and away from their friends, Two broken-hearted Twenty somethings are taken for a night out by their respective friends, only to cross paths over a game of pool, and falling for each other in the process.”
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Here is a try, tried not to change too much from your logline.
“When two broken-hearted twenty-somethings, who’ve buried themselves in their work, are reluctantly taken for a night out by their respective friends, they end up meeting over a game of pool with emotional stakes higher than just who wins and loses.”
One more thing, if you want to cut it down even further. You could concentrate on the game of pool itself since that seems like the meat of your short film
“When two broken-hearted twenty-somethings, meet over a game of pool…”
I really like what you’ve done, Richiev. I’m gonna give it another go to try and shorten the length, I feel like you’ve put me on a much better path.
“Mid-twenties and broken hearted, two workaholics reluctantly go for a night out with their respective friends and cross paths over a game of pool with emotional stakes higher than the winning shot.”
Great work, Richiev!
I like your new version “…over a game of pool with emotional stakes higher than the winning shot.”
It raises the stakes quite literally and it also adds a mysterious flavour to your romantic story.
Are you going to shoot the film by yourself? Well, your logline is working now!