mobiuswestPenpusher Asked: October 15, 20212021-10-15T13:17:12+10:00 2021-10-15T13:17:12+10:00In: CrimeHiding her psychopathic ego from family and co-workers an emergency department doctor who spends her days healing, and nights hurting, must play a complicated game of cat and mouse when the police start investigating her.n/a ShareFacebook2 ReviewsVotedOldestRecentbeezeebee 6 Loglines 29 Reviews 1 Best Answer 71 Points View ProfileBest Answer beezeebee Penpusher 2021-10-16T15:04:05+10:00Added an answer on October 16, 2021 at 3:04 pm Hi mobiuswest,I think this sounds like an intriguing concept. All the ingredients for a good idea are here, though some details of the logline could be polished I think. Two things would need clarification for me to make this more appealing:1. “…an emergency department doctor who spends her days healing, and nights hurting…:” We assume already that she helps patients and detail of her only “hurting” patients during the night seems vague and random without more context and reasoning. I would amplify the word “hurt” a bit and specify it further. Think of trying to create imagery in the readers head. For example, “mutilate” conjures a much clearer picture of what this person actually does, just so you know what I’m talking about.2. “…must play a complicated game of cat and mouse when the police start investigating her…:” Again, this feels vague and not like anything that gives an immediate sense of how that movie will play on screen. The game of cat and mouse I assume will be the second act of your script, and by thinking about what will happen during that act you should be able to zoom in on this. I believe the problem goes back to using “the police” as an antagonist. This is a chance to craft an antagonist that employs a strategy to bring our hero to justice which is really threatening. “Start investigating her” also feels like it could be powered up. Why not actually use something like “bring her to justice” as the antagonist’s goal? That makes the conflict much clearer and feels more high stakes than an investigation.One last caveat: you are writing an essentially reprehensible heroine, and that is a challenge in term of creating empathy for her. I would definitely watch this, because I’m prone to very flawed to even immoral characters, because I find deviant people fascinating, but many people find this tasteless if not done with finesse.Hope that helps, BeeZeeBee0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppmobiuswest 8 Loglines 11 Reviews 0 Best Reviews 28 Points View Profile mobiuswest Penpusher 2021-10-19T12:29:09+10:00Replied to answer on October 19, 2021 at 12:29 pm Thank you very much for this BeeZeeBee, this is truly helpful, I greatly appreciate the time and effort you’ve put into this feedback, and will do my best to apply it!Warmest regardsJim in Japan0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppYou must login to add an answer. Username or email* Password* Remember Me! Forgot Password?