After discovering they?re adopted. Two sisters head on a road trip to find a biological relative and the bone marrow needed to save a sister.
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The search for bone marrow isn’t the only reason for their quest
(since the transplant happens when a patient’s HLA and that of a registry member or cord blood unit closely match)
Any matching doner can work and it’s quite common when blood relatives don’t match.
Having said that, your logline reads beautifully!
I doubt if discovering they are adopted could be a strong inciting incident since the family–which adopted them–would love them as much (even more) and it could come as a surprise and then more of a curiosity, than a necessity to meet their biological family
It’s a great logline! Thumbs up!
The elegance of the logline makes me think, you may be cool?writing for a?dual protagonist. Was that intentional?
I might, maybe, like?a clearer?distinction between them going out to find a needle in a haystack, or having to locate/ confront a specific person.
Also feels like it will step up, once they found the person. Is there another obstacle + action there? Worth loglining?
I’m also, personally,?a sucker for character attributes, but that may make it clunky again.
The economy of words is awesome!
I?ll name the disease that fits the story after some research. Their mum has been dead for a while. They confront their Aunty who was just respecting mum?s wishes to keep the adoption secret.
During the road trip they have a delays and problems. The sick sister didn?t really want to go but did so to ease the other sisters guilt.
After a few dead ends the sick sister talks of her fears. Finding people she doesn?t like. Finding people that will challenge her understanding of herself. She asked to be taken home. Her final wish
?I can die as your sister. I don?t my last few months to be in debt to strangers?.
Thank you both.
It?s about a trip where two woman that have their identity of family shattered only to bond closer as sister by the challenge.
I would usea comma instead of a period and cut it to 1 line. Why mention they are adopted when they can discover that in story?
Two desperate sisters must travel across the country to locate their biological relative who may have the bone marrow match one of them requires to live.
Is there any reason they are not looking for a specific person, such as a Mother or Father instead of the vaguer ‘biological relative’?
I think there is a potentially compelling story here.
What if the film opens with the ill sister getting the grim diagnosis.? And after she asks her family for a donation that matches, someone fesses up that she’s adopted.? Which triggers the need to go on the quest.? IOW: the diagnosis is the root of the action.? And the discovery she’s adopted is the cause? (trigger) of the action — the plot.
So maybe something like:
After a young woman in desperate need of a bone transplant discovers her family can’t donate because she was adopted, she must find a biological relative who can.
(28 words)
Another thing: It seems to me that one who needs the match is the more powerfully motivated of the two, hence, the story’s protagonist.? ?The other sister is in a supporting role as an ally — but not necessary to mention in the logline.
Further, why does the other sister have to also be adopted?? Why can’t she be a natural born member of the family who has bonded with her adopted sister and (unlike anyone else in the family) and, therefore,? is willing to help?? Contrasting characters on a road trip/quest make for more interesting dialogue and action moments than similar ones.
fwiw
Grammatically, you’ve split the first part of your sentence “After discovering they’re adopted…” from the rest of the sentence. So replace that period with a comma, first up.
You’ve described TWO protagonists, when it helps to identify who the central protagonist is – whose journey we’re going to follow. Even Thelma and Louise or The Shawshank Redemption have protagonists.
Taking a road trip to find a compatible bone marrow donor is not a logical action to take after finding out you’re adopted; my guess is that, while finding out they’re adopted might occur in the first act, this is not actually the event that kicks off this story.
So – refocus the POV to a central flawed protagonist, adjust what the event is that kicks off the story:
‘When only a bone marrow transplant will keep her alive, a defensive adoptee crosses the country with her burnout sister to find the only compatible donor: her biological mother.”
I’d suggest trying to find the source of antagonism; who exactly is making this road-trip difficult for the characters?
Likewise, it’d be very easy to include a time-clock to up the tension.