I mixed two loglines I’ve had before and wrote the one below. What do you think?
Thanks for your feedback and help so far! It helped me a lot!
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“When an agoraphobe student from New York City falls for a pop star, he must overcome his fear in public or lose her forever.”
savinh0Samurai
I mixed two loglines I’ve had before and wrote the one below. What do you think? Thanks for your feedback and help so far! It helped me a lot! – “When an agoraphobe student from New York City falls for a pop star, he must overcome his fear in public or lose her forever.”
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CraigDGriffiths
Perhaps a start should be
A pop star and an agrophic teen fall in love ….
That way we know it isn’t a one sided relationship.
dpg
Agree with CraigDGriffiths. ?It seems like it’s a one-sided love affair. ?He’s in love with her, but is she in love with him? ? And how: If he’s agoraphobic, how do they meet? ?How does she even know that he’s interested in her?
How can he even begin a romantic relationship w/ her if he’s agoraphobic? ? What’s the meet cute moment? Is it the inciting incident? ?When he goes out to meet her, introduce himself to her in spite of his agoraphobia.
savinh0
Okay, thanks so much!
The meet cute moment is simultaneously the inciting incident, yes. That’s often the case in romantic comedies.
“When an agoraphobe student and pop star fall in love, he must ?overcome his fear in public or lose her forever.”
dpg
What’s the chemistry, the mutual attraction, that binds this odd couple to each other? ? ?What does she see in this guy that would attract him to her ?in spite of his agoraphobia? ? Why does she fall for him? ?(IOW: ?what’s his character virtue in spite of his character flaw?)
Sshe’s got all these fan boys to choose from, right? Why would she notice him, let alone be attracted? ?What does he have that they don’t that makes him stand out from the herd, that?gets her attention and interest?
And what makes his being from New York City relevant to his plot predicament? ?Does it mean that’s where he’s from — but the story takes place somewhere else? ?Or does it mean he’s Big Apple native and that’s also where the story takes place? ?(And is it really necessary for the purpose of the logline to know where he’s from or where the story takes place?)
Neer Shelter
Reading through the multitude of questions DPG is asking, it makes me question the concept altogether – the premise raises too many logic flaws and questions.
The premise comes across as a heavily contrived attempt to force together an odd couple, rather than let the odd couple come together as a result of the premise. For example, if they are both students at the same school, then the logic of them connecting inherently exists in the premise and requires little explanation. However, as it is now, she is a famous singer and he is a student – they are worlds apart from each other…
Continuing from the previous point made, if they are both students at the same school, he could be taking classes via Skype (as a result of his agoraphobia). She could find his mysterious nature intriguing, which prompts her to make first contact outside of class.? This doesn’t have to be in the logline, but could give you a clearer understanding of the mechanics behind the premise.
Ultimately, what’s important in romcoms is the force that keeps the lovers apart. In this instance it’s his condition, therefore, best you think of a good set of actions for him to take that will help him get over it. In the last draft you wrote “…he must overcome his fear in public…” but what does this actually mean? What does he do, specifically, to overcome his fear? Remember also that his fear is an internal thing, the camera can’t show him suddenly not being afraid.? Therefore, best to come up with a good external manifestation of his triumph.