In 1977, a reformed ex-con must return to New York City’s violent underworld in order to save his childhood best friend from a dangerous gangster.

    Mentor Posted on April 13, 2019 in Crime.
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    6 Review(s)

      I think this is the best of the loglines that you posted. I understand who’s the lead character, I understand the lead character’s motivation, and I get a feel for what the danger would be.

      My only critique would be that it needs a hook.

      I have seen movies where a former gangster is pulled back into his former life in order to help someone he cares about.

      Carlito’s Way would be a good example of it done right.
      What element in your story separates it from other movies of this type?

      Singularity Answered on April 13, 2019.
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        Agree with Richiev.

        I suggest that the jeopardy needs to be clarified.  Must he rescue his friend from having fallen into a life of crime under the influence of the gangster?  Or is his life in mortal jeopardy  — is the gangster planning to kill him?

        Singularity Answered on April 13, 2019.
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          Another way of looking at the jeopardy is to paint more of the picture since “must return” is a moment, not most of the story. For example, “…must infiltrate a Mafia family in order to find and save…”

          >> violent underworld
          >>dangerous gangster.

          Both adjectives are redundant. As above, use the space for specifics.

          Mentor Answered on April 15, 2019.
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            Hi guys.

            Thanks for the feedback.

            What do you think of this one?

            When a dangerous mob boss threatens to kill him, a drug dealer lures his childhood best friend, an ex-con struggling to rebuild his life, to help him make 10,000 dollars in one week.

            The ex-con is a former drug dealer too but I want to mention he’s been in prison.

            Mentor Answered on April 16, 2019.
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              The new version seems to reverse roles. Now it’s the drug dealer who comes off as the protagonist.  Yet more words are spent describing his best friend.  Who is the protagonist?  Who owns the plot?

              And how will making $10,000 in one week save him from the mob boss?  Is he in debt to the boss, has to pay him back?  The dramatic link between cause (the threat) and effect (make $10,000) needs clarification.

              Singularity Answered on April 16, 2019.
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                Yup, and clarify how they plan to make the money. The implication is by selling drugs, though that’s likely not a protag I’d care about.

                Is $10k in a week enough a challenge?

                Mentor Answered on April 19, 2019.
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