In 1977, a reformed ex-con must return to New York City’s violent underworld in order to save his childhood best friend from a dangerous gangster.

thedarkhorse Penpusher Asked 7 days ago in Crime.
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6 Review(s)

I think this is the best of the loglines that you posted. I understand who’s the lead character, I understand the lead character’s motivation, and I get a feel for what the danger would be.

My only critique would be that it needs a hook.

I have seen movies where a former gangster is pulled back into his former life in order to help someone he cares about.

Carlito’s Way would be a good example of it done right.
What element in your story separates it from other movies of this type?

Richiev Singularity Reviewed 7 days ago.
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Agree with Richiev.

I suggest that the jeopardy needs to be clarified.  Must he rescue his friend from having fallen into a life of crime under the influence of the gangster?  Or is his life in mortal jeopardy  — is the gangster planning to kill him?

dpg Singularity Reviewed 7 days ago.
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Another way of looking at the jeopardy is to paint more of the picture since “must return” is a moment, not most of the story. For example, “…must infiltrate a Mafia family in order to find and save…”

>> violent underworld
>>dangerous gangster.

Both adjectives are redundant. As above, use the space for specifics.

Robb Ross Samurai Reviewed 5 days ago.
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Hi guys.

Thanks for the feedback.

What do you think of this one?

When a dangerous mob boss threatens to kill him, a drug dealer lures his childhood best friend, an ex-con struggling to rebuild his life, to help him make 10,000 dollars in one week.

The ex-con is a former drug dealer too but I want to mention he’s been in prison.

thedarkhorse Penpusher Reviewed 4 days ago.
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