Re-write of a logline I posted a few months ago.
In a future with anti-gravity tech, a gang of street-wise orphans help a celebrity "sky-runner" athlete accused of terrorism survive the planet’s deadly slums and destroy the cyborg general who framed him.
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Maybe adding that personal touch might help.
Of Jeff the leader of a gang of street wise orphans?
They help Arthur C. Doyle a celebrity sky runner?
Eveb give the cyborg general a name, also that sentence is a bit long. Would the use of punctuation make it a powerful intro?
I would avoid using names, but it seems to be a bit long. It definitely has a lot going on in it, with a set up that would take a bit of time to get into in order to establish all the rules for it. But bring it down to the basics of the story and it should iron itself out.
I’d like to be more emotionally drawn in. What are the motivations and consequences here? For instance, why did the cyborg general frame the sky-runner? Why do the gang of orphans rescue him? Maybe he’s a sci-fi equivalent of a Nike celebrity, getting richer as the poor adore his celebrity and buy the products he endorses. Are there any shocking revelations the athlete encounters? He might be surprised by the poverty, but maybe he discovers some long-lost relatives living in the slums, and in the process he has to become truer to himself. I realize a log line has to be short, but maybe there’s a way to inject some more emotional motivation into the storyline.
I disagree with John, actually. I don’t think names should be included in a logline unless they are historical or famous figures. I do agree with him that it is too long and contains unnecessary information, as far as a logline is concerned.
I think you can remove the mention of the setting (future). You can come to that conclusion with some of the other words.
“Street-wise punks save a once-famous “anti-gravity skyrunner” and help attempt tracking down the Cyborg leader who framed him for terrorism.”
Words like “cyborg”, “anti-gravity” clearly show the genre (Sci-fi), the skyrunner is probably the protag, and the cyborg is your antag; the goal is to track down the cyborg, the stakes are that he’s been falsely accused and on the lam, probably death; the conflict is a once-heralded athlete pairing up with street punks. The hook is the world of “sky-running” which is something unique to your story. That pretty much covers it!
I like it, it has a 5th Element vibe to it! But I like your first one better:
“When a young, arrogant celebrity athlete is framed for blowing up the floating Imperial sky-palace, he escapes with a rag-tag bunch of surfacer teens into the planet’s crime-ridden slums to bring to justice the Empire’s most notorious terrorist ? its ruler.”
In your first logline it is clear that the main character is the athlete, and an inner journey is promised: from arrogant to humble.
In the new one, who is the main character? It could be the athlete or one of the orphans. And no inner journey is promised. I suggest re-writing it so the main character is clear, and give him a weakness, so we are promised an inner journey.
Thanks! Very helpful!
patrockable, I hear ya. However, I posted that earlier one to a popular scriptwriting blog and it was dragged over the coals until it was pulp — people really did not like it / felt it had too much jargon specific to the world in it. As a lover of sci-fi, I’m used to figuring out sci-fi jargon by its context, so it doesn’t bother me. But I can see where it was a big turn-off for readers not attuned to doing that.