In a hole-in-the-wall restaurant, a middle-aged chef with no ambition finds new vigor in his work as he becomes entranced in a whimsical high-school student who aspires to be taken under his wing as an assistant cook.

    I Wanna Get Better

    Default Posted on August 12, 2015 in Public.
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    2 Review(s)

      This logline is too long and wordy yet also describes too few plot elements to be effective.

      No need to mention the location unless vital to the plot so best to remove “In a hole-in-the-wall restaurant…”

      The MC description is poor as it is too vague because “…middle-aged…” describes a very large portion of the population with no specific characteristics that apply to the story.

      “…finds new vigor in his work…” is not a good inciting incident as it is not a visual event and rather an effort made by the MC not an out of the ordinary event he experiences. Best to structure the inciting incident as a SIGNIFICANT event that is not part of the “normal” course of action.

      If the MC inspiration is the students motivation it makes for a relatively underwhelming experience. Think of all the great stories you know of what motivated or inspired the MCs in those… For this story to sound interesting enough for a busy over worked tiered executive to want to read the script you need to hit them in the face with an undeniable burning need for your MC to achieve their goal.

      Segue into what is the MC’s goal? It can’t be to be better at cooking as this would have been the MC’s goal prior to the story starting if he has any semblance of professionalism it also lacks an interesting hook. What is it he must achieve or else? Make that his goal.

      Lastly there for the most part there are no assistant cooks in professional kitchens rather; sous chefs, cooks, apprentices and kitchen hands. Best to make the logline sound as proficient in the subject matter as possible. Easy done by googeling: Brigade De Cuisine.

      Hope this helps.

      Singularity Answered on August 12, 2015.
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      There is a lot there but I find it an interesting set up. I don’t know how or where you plan to take this story but I offer this 30 word rewrite:
      When a burnt out cook hires a high school coed her whimsical vigor and raw culinary skills threaten his stale, comfortable life but stirs his passion for cooking and life.

      Default Answered on August 12, 2015.
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