In a post apocalyptic world a teenage girl takes refuge in a hidden valley after loosing her parents trying to escape the pandemic and reach quarantine. Discovered by a man that could lead her to safety, he instead betrays her. He takes over her camp forcing her to fight not only a man that is bigger, stronger and armed, but also the approaching winter.

    The Valley

    Singularity Posted on January 30, 2015 in Public.
    Add Comment
    13 Review(s)

      Jesus, leave some words for the dictionary, okay?

      “In a post apocalyptic world…”, “a man that is bigger, stronger and armed”, “after loosing her parents” – All unnecessary.

      Which leaves…

      “a teenage girl takes refuge in a hidden valley trying to escape the pandemic and reach quarantine. discovered by a man that could lead her to safety, he instead betrays her. he takes over her camp forcing her to fight … also the approaching winter”

      Even then, I think there’s a lot of cutting that can be done here to get to the crux of your story.

      Why does she care if he takes over her camp? Isn’t she trying to reach quarantine?

      And perhaps instead of “trying to escape”, maybe she’s “wanting to escape” – “trying” is too ambiguous, “wanting” makes it more of a personal journey with the implication of a reward should she succeed in her goal.

      I hope I have helped in some way…

      Logliner Answered on January 30, 2015.
      Add Comment

        Yep — agree with the sentiment above — your logline runs at 64 words in length and raises more questions than it answers. You should aim for no more than 30 words. Below is just my spin:

        “After escaping a worldwide pandemic with a vaccine an orphaned teenager battles for survival against her once trusted guide and protector, who wants the vaccine for himself.”

        …not the best, doesn’t sound exactly like your story, but hope it gives you some clues on how you can condense the word count.

        Best of luck with it.

        Samurai Answered on January 30, 2015.
        Add Comment

          It is wordy. The reason she cares about the camp is that in a In a post apocalyptic world there is nothing else. If someone takes your stuff you die. Need to get that across.

          I thought of putting “wants”, but I am leaning towards action based description. The last bit is badly written the more I think about it.

          Singularity Answered on January 30, 2015.
          Add Comment

            I see where you are heading. Think “Terminator”, this guy is unrelenting. She has no where to go, since the world has pretty much ended. She barely survives, then her camp is taken over. She escapes nearly naked and winter is coming. She is a gentle person by nature. She is forced to fight back or die. Her stakes are her life, the ticking clock is the coming winter and the lack of resources. She is in a valley, no shops to ransack.

            Singularity Answered on January 30, 2015.
            Add Comment

              You can improve your logline if you state the motivation behind your antagonist’s actions. Why is he so hellbent on going after the girl?

              This attempt still lacks the antagonist’s goal, but maybe it gets you pointed in the right direction:

              In the midst of a global pandemic – and with a relentless {killer/rapist/psychopath} after her – an orphaned teenager with dwindling resources struggles to reach the only uninfected community before the harsh winter arrives.

              Default Answered on January 31, 2015.
              Add Comment

                So it’s a survival story. A teenage girl versus the cold world and a cruel man.

                It might help if the stakes involved more than just saving her life, if there was a stakes character, say an even more helpless pre-teen kid (an orphan like herself), whom she must also save (at the risk of her own life). This would make her an empathetic character, one the audience will be more eager to root for. (Like Katniss Everdeen in “The Hunger Games”. What makes Katniss a great heroic character is that she’s never fighting just to save her own skin.)

                Singularity Answered on February 1, 2015.
                Add Comment

                  Very good, thanks gilgamesh. There are plenty at stake, but I am not getting them across. Throwing more poorly expressed stakes into the story I don’t believe would make for a better story. Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs puts survival as the most base human need. That is what the point of the story is. How far can you push someone before they sink to your level and are willing to kill.

                  Singularity Answered on February 1, 2015.
                  Add Comment

                    Here is what I think works.

                    After learning of other survivors of an apocalyptic pandemic, a teenage girl desperate to find them must fight a brutal man who has taken what she has to secure his own survival.

                    Singularity Answered on February 2, 2015.
                    Add Comment

                      Any more feedback?

                      Singularity Answered on February 5, 2015.
                      Add Comment

                        Big improvement on the logline in your original post Craig. The only thing I would say is that you might be able to bring out the girl’s overriding struggle – her battle against starvation and the impending winter – a little better.

                        My revised take:

                        Amidst an apocalyptic pandemic and facing the harsh, impending winter, an orphaned teenager must confront a brutal traitor who has taken her only resources as she desperately struggles to reach the only other survivors.

                        Hope this helps Craig.

                        Btw, is this the story you were referring to when you recently posted you’ve now received three inquiries from production companies using your revised logline? If so, congrats!

                        Default Answered on February 8, 2015.
                        Add Comment

                          “Btw, is this the story you were referring to when you recently posted you’ve now received three inquiries from production companies using your revised logline?”

                          If it is, they’re a little bit late, 2014 seemed to be the year for “teenagers fending for themselves, during an apocalypse, after an apocalypse, or in a society where adults watch teenagers fight as some kind of futuristic sport” movies…

                          Logliner Answered on February 8, 2015.
                          Add Comment

                            Lucius Paisley: I think that has become a genre now. Teens want to see themselves in film and I think they have moved on from boy meets girl.

                            gilgamesh: Yep, this is the story I have had interest in.

                            The tone of the script is a little like Terminator, except she is the caused of her own disaster. She over reacts in a situation causing the antagonist to get shot (wounded). This starts the war between them. She wants it to stop but isn’t equipped physically or emotionally for this new horrible world.

                            She is finally pushed to a point were she kills him. She the plunders everything he has (just he did to her) and head for communities her had previously mentioned.

                            Thanks everyone for the brain power to help me polish the line. Loglines are good to get stories started, but they are essential in getting others to read your work.

                            Singularity Answered on February 10, 2015.
                            Add Comment

                              It’s been a genre forever – Lord Of The Flies, Battle Royale, Red Dawn, City Limits, etc., it’s just that last year about a dozen of them came out at once…

                              Logliner Answered on February 10, 2015.
                              Add Comment

                              Your Review

                              By posting your review, you agree to the privacy policy and terms of service.