In a world where magic is determined by hair color and people with the same magic can share power temporarily, a yellow haired boy longs to be with his kind but discovers they have been divided by ongoing war, however after sharing power for the first time he finds that he has the unique ability to do so permanently and goes on a quest to unite and restore his people’s nation and power against dangerous magic users threatening to shatter them further.

    Penpusher Posted on July 9, 2019 in Fantasy.
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      First thing’s first, a logline is ideally meant to be under 35 words… the shorter and more concise the better. Fantasy is always trickier because there is a certain amount of world building that has to be done first. However, it’s always good to spend time working out what is essential to the story and what is a detail that, although interesting, doesn’t actually add much to the story as a whole.

      With all this in mind, I think that a fair bit of information in this logline is not necessarily required. For me (and this is just my opinion) all the stuff about hair colour is actually not needed. I appreciate it is a fairly major part of the world this story is set in BUT from a story point of view, if you take it out, not a lot is lost. The ability to share power can still happen, he can still be looking for his kin and he can still have a unique ability to “borrow” power.

      Inciting incident – is it the discovery that his kind have been divided by war? Is it the discovery that he can permanently keep someone’s power? Is it the appearance of the dangerous magic users (in most superhero films the inciting incident is the moment the bad guy turns up)?

      Character/Characteristic – A yellow haired boy. I think we need some more information here. Boy… do you mean 12? or 4? What’s his flaw? What makes him interesting? Is he cocky? Shy? Kind? What will his arc be? Yellow haired boy is incredibly vague and, if we’re removing the stuff about hair colour, you’re left with “boy”. Can you give us something else that gives us an idea as to how this character will act in his story.

      Goal – “goes on a quest to unite and restore his people’s nation and power against dangerous magic users threatening to shatter them further.”  22 words just on the goal. This is the first mention of the dangerous magic users but actually they provide the goal – naturally in this case the inciting incident should be the moment when they appear – as in superhero movies. They are what prompts this boy to take action.

      I think that this boy should be able to take power from others in his clan and distribute it back if he chooses, but the main big bad guy also has this ability and he is wreaking havoc across the land, stealing power to get stronger and killing people for it. The protagonist and antagonist could both have the same goal too – peace. The protagonist wants peace by encouraging everyone to live in harmony and accept each other as they are, and the antagonist could want it by making everyone the same (i.e. non-magical) and he is the only powerful being so he can control them. Two different approaches but the same goal means they have no choice but to fight each other and everyone has to pick a side. Maybe there’s something in this world about the strength of the magic that is taken by force vs magic gifted willingly. Nice message!

      I love the idea of hair colour being a factor… the lighter the hair, the more power they have. This boy is born with white hair and everyone is scared of his power, so he and his mother are exiled (or something… my imagination’s running away with it a bit). His clan only seek him out once they hear about the bad guy (who also has white hair… or maybe he has black hair… interesting twist).

      Anyway… back to the logline! I think you need to trim it down, focus on the key elements, check out the “Our formula” page for help with formatting, and figure out what is important world building stuff that is essential to understanding the story.

      Hope this helps, looking forward to seeing where this goes.

      Summitry Answered on July 9, 2019.

      Thank you for taking the time to review my logline!

      Anyway about the length. If it’s any credit to me, the log line was originally like 4 times longer, but yeah I totally need to shorten it a bit more. My problem is how XD. I personally feel like removing the first part (the hair color and sharing power stuff) removes much of the “marketing” value, as many have told me (and I feel) that those parts hook them instantly just by how odd they are. However, as you have pointed out, loglines are meant more for storytelling and the character, so I’ll keep that in mind.

      Yeah I probably should be clearer about the inciting incident. That would be the moment he discovers the truth, that there is a war with other magic types but he now has the potential to end it. I’ll probably rearrange it or something to make the inciting incident more punctual.

      About the main character, an older version  described him as “a lonely and antisocial yellow haired boy who longs for acceptance” and included a key components of sharing magic power: all people sharing must understand one another and see the other as equals. Thus, his problem is that he grew up the only yellow haired boy in his village and was mistreated and unable to share power, however after finding acceptance elsewhere with his own kind, he is now tasked with meeting and befriending an entire nation in order to restore their power and ensure a safe world for them. Much of the conflict comes from him growing to understand society and cope with his own anger at his past treatment, oftentimes being tempted to seek revenge. I figured that this wouldn’t be good in a logline as it is internal and a bit lengthy for a 35 word description. Maybe I should reconsider that, though, as that is the most human part of the logline imo.

      I love the plot ideas you came up with! The current story is much different from what you suggested of course, but I can say that yes, later it is revealed that both parties want peace – but in their own way.

      And thanks for liking the hair color thing, it’s one of my favorite parts too. It was fun to match the magic types with the hair colors, and all the… interesting… things I could do with the concept. Plus I animate, so I wanted to have the characters stand out visually and such.

      Anyway, thanks again for the input! I’ll ruminate over it a bit more and probably post another logline in a few days.

      on July 10, 2019.
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