In a world where magic is determined by hair color and people with the same magic can share power temporarily, a yellow haired boy longs to be with his kind but discovers they have been divided by ongoing war, however after sharing power for the first time he finds that he has the unique ability to do so permanently and goes on a quest to unite and restore his people’s nation and power against dangerous magic users threatening to shatter them further.
First thing’s first, a logline is ideally meant to be under 35 words… the shorter and more concise the better. Fantasy is always trickier because there is a certain amount of world building that has to be done first. However, it’s always good to spend time working out what is essential to the story and what is a detail that, although interesting, doesn’t actually add much to the story as a whole.
With all this in mind, I think that a fair bit of information in this logline is not necessarily required. For me (and this is just my opinion) all the stuff about hair colour is actually not needed. I appreciate it is a fairly major part of the world this story is set in BUT from a story point of view, if you take it out, not a lot is lost. The ability to share power can still happen, he can still be looking for his kin and he can still have a unique ability to “borrow” power.
Inciting incident – is it the discovery that his kind have been divided by war? Is it the discovery that he can permanently keep someone’s power? Is it the appearance of the dangerous magic users (in most superhero films the inciting incident is the moment the bad guy turns up)?
Character/Characteristic – A yellow haired boy. I think we need some more information here. Boy… do you mean 12? or 4? What’s his flaw? What makes him interesting? Is he cocky? Shy? Kind? What will his arc be? Yellow haired boy is incredibly vague and, if we’re removing the stuff about hair colour, you’re left with “boy”. Can you give us something else that gives us an idea as to how this character will act in his story.
Goal – “goes on a quest to unite and restore his people’s nation and power against dangerous magic users threatening to shatter them further.” 22 words just on the goal. This is the first mention of the dangerous magic users but actually they provide the goal – naturally in this case the inciting incident should be the moment when they appear – as in superhero movies. They are what prompts this boy to take action.
I think that this boy should be able to take power from others in his clan and distribute it back if he chooses, but the main big bad guy also has this ability and he is wreaking havoc across the land, stealing power to get stronger and killing people for it. The protagonist and antagonist could both have the same goal too – peace. The protagonist wants peace by encouraging everyone to live in harmony and accept each other as they are, and the antagonist could want it by making everyone the same (i.e. non-magical) and he is the only powerful being so he can control them. Two different approaches but the same goal means they have no choice but to fight each other and everyone has to pick a side. Maybe there’s something in this world about the strength of the magic that is taken by force vs magic gifted willingly. Nice message!
I love the idea of hair colour being a factor… the lighter the hair, the more power they have. This boy is born with white hair and everyone is scared of his power, so he and his mother are exiled (or something… my imagination’s running away with it a bit). His clan only seek him out once they hear about the bad guy (who also has white hair… or maybe he has black hair… interesting twist).
Anyway… back to the logline! I think you need to trim it down, focus on the key elements, check out the “Our formula” page for help with formatting, and figure out what is important world building stuff that is essential to understanding the story.
Hope this helps, looking forward to seeing where this goes.