In a world where magic is determined by hair color and people with the same magic can temporarily share power, a yellow haired boy longs to be with his kind but discovers they have been divided by war with other magic types. After finally meeting others like him, he finds he can share power permanently and leaves to unite his people.

    Penpusher Posted on April 23, 2019 in Fantasy.

    Thank you to anyone who reviews my log line 🙂

    on April 23, 2019.
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    4 Review(s)

      What is the main conflict of this story?

      The leads goal is to “Unite his people” so who or what is standing in the kid’s way?

      Singularity Answered on April 23, 2019.

      Gothcha! Yeah I should probably make that clearer, thanks for the review.

      on April 23, 2019.

      My first instinct was to simply add something like “to unite his people against dangerous magic users out for world domination” or “to unite his people and fight the war for them,” but would it be better to simply emphasize the aforementioned war by changing the first part to “being divided by ongoing war” so its clearer that it’s that same war that he seeks to end?

      on April 23, 2019.
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        So In a world where people can only temporarily share power, this yellow haired boy learns that he can share power permanently (inciting incident?) with other yellow colored hair people (his kind). He longs to be with them (goal?) hence leaves to unite his people divided by war with other magic types..

        1.
        How is “sharing power permanently” a solution to unite people?
        This might be solved by providing specifics for what sharing power means, and what’s the difference between temporary and permanent sharing of said power. Since, the inciting incident is him realizing he can share power permanently (whatever that means) the Goal must be a direct result of this realization.

        2.
        What does he risk losing if he doesn’t leave on a journey to save others? What are the stakes? >>He longs to be with his kind.. Then make it a part of his situation: “In a world where people can only temporarily share their powers, a kid separated by his kind realizes that he can share power permanently and must [do this action] to [reach this objective] which brings us to…

        3.
        His Objective Goal and the line of Action are still unclear. What do we expect to see onscreen; a yellow haired boy travelling and sharing his power to win a war, until earth is left with only yellow haired people?

        Summitry Answered on April 24, 2019.

        Thank you for the review! I will definitely consider these suggestions for the rewrite.

        on April 25, 2019.
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          Seemingly explicit in the premise is that discrimination on the basis of hair color is normal, seemingly okay.

          Why is discrimination and tribal hostility on the basis of hair color okay in this reel world, when in the real world discrimination and ethnic rivalry on the basis of skin color isn’t?

          Or is it? Please clarify.

          Singularity Answered on July 18, 2019.

          Before I clarify, are you asking I change the log line so that it makes the distinction between reality and fiction clearer, or are you asking if the story condones prejudice?

          on July 20, 2019.
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            Ryan

            My concern is that in these times of hyper-sensitivity to multiple issues of discrimination on the basis of this or that trait (race,  gender orientation and identity), your premise runs the risk of being misinterpreted.  What is the difference between discrimination, association and tribal conflict on the basis of hair color versus discrimination, association and tribal conflict on the basis of skin color?

            Why must the protagonist  organize his kind?  Organize them against whom?  So his  kind can fight Black haired people?  Red heads?

            What is your thematic point of organizing people and pitting against others on the basis of their hair color?

            Singularity Answered on July 20, 2019.

            I see now, thank you for clarifying! Yes, these were concerns that I had in mind while making the story.

            The short answer to all your questions is that from the start the main character is a deeply flawed individual who is doing this out of revenge and thinks he can do no wrong because he’s the underdog. He’s misguided, but you understand why he does what he does, and he does genuinely love the people who support him, part of why he wants to unite them and save them, but his anger overtakes him and he wants to use this collective power against any he deems an enemy (which, in his prejudiced perspective, is a problem). His arc of course is to become a better person and use his powers for actual good, or fail in the process.

            As for who he fights, I remade this logline to be clearer on who the antagonist is, but I bumped this one (did not know what bumping was at the time) which is probably why you saw it.

            All in all, I hoped to approach these issues with nuance, respect, and empathy towards all voices, and if you have any suggestions I’m all ears.

            on July 21, 2019.
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