In an alternate 1930s metropolis, an airplane mechanic turned cyborg and an heiress turned adventurer must form a team to battle gangsters who have stolen experimental technology and plan to take over the city.

    Penpusher Posted on June 12, 2019 in SciFi.

    I think the inciting incident isn’t clear,
    I’m not sure if it’s when the gansters steal the experimental technology, and it would be clearer if the technology belonged to the mechanic cyborg and heiress adventurer. Adventurer isn’t really specific, its a vague term and doesn’t contribute to the description of the character)

    And I’m not sure why they must form a team what in turn links their objectives,
    Or do they just randomly form a team?

    And avoiding using must it’s a redundant word in that context it makes the reader wonder what external force is forcing this particular character to form the team
    rather just (Form a team).

    I assume the technology belongs to the mechanic turned cyborg but the logline doesn’t tell me that
    Loglines are usually fewer than 30 words

    every single word should contribute to either the character description, inciting incident, the want of your protagonist and their obstacles ( and this in the context of the narrative)

    on June 13, 2019.
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