In order to investigate a murder, a bitter young man goes undercover at his ex-girlfriend’s family home, keeping his true intentions hidden from both her and the family. But when his secret is exposed, he realises the danger he has put her in and must race to warn her before she becomes the murderer’s next victim.
Luke RamsdenLogliner
In order to investigate a murder, a bitter young man goes undercover at his ex-girlfriend’s family home, keeping his true intentions hidden from both her and the family. But when his secret is exposed, he realises the danger he has put her in and must race to warn her before she becomes the murderer’s next victim.
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Richiev
Something else just occurred to me. There is a difference between, ‘going under cover’ and ‘hiding out’.
In other words, if the lead is going undercover at his ex-girlfriend’s house, that would imply he believes one of her family members is the murdered and he has gone ‘undercover’ to investigate the family members who live there.
However, from reading the logline I now realize you might have meant that the lead is ‘hiding out’ at his ex-girlfriend’s family home, as in, the lead needs a ‘safe house’ the killer wouldn’t know about so he can investigate the murder from what he hopes is a secure location.
Luke Ramsden
I actually meant option A. The phrase ‘undercover’ was used specifically as it describes exactly what was meant. In regards to the previous comment, all of the concerns raised are addressed in the story itself; however, if I were to try and include them in the logline, I would end up writing a synopsis.
The general premise is: a suspicious death occurs within the ex’s family, yet there is no evidence of foul play so the police have no legitimate reason to continue investigating, despite being unsatisfied with the official explanation for the death. As such, the boyfriend is coerced into trying to find evidence so they can continue the investigation, but has to keep this from his ex, for obvious reasons.
To my mind, that is far too much information for a logline.
Richiev
Okay here would be a logline attempt with a few specifics, however, it probably would need to be changed to fit your story points:
—–
“When his ex’s sister is murdered, and the cops rule it a suicide, a brilliant but self-centered criminology student pretends to get back with his girlfriend in order to solve the case.”
Luke Ramsden
Thanks for that. The balance between providing enough specifics and overburdening with details is one I find difficult to judge, so its good to have some feedback.
Richiev
Cool, thanks for the explanation, I wasn’t sure about that
Richiev
1: Who is the murder victim in relation to the lead character? (Mother, father, boss, sister, new girlfriend?) As in, ‘when his sister is murdered a bitter young man goes undercover at his ex-girlfriend’s house.’
2: Why is the lead compelled to investigate the murder? Why not the police? Why him? Is the lead a police officer? Is the lead a private detective? Did the lead witness a murder and no one believes him? The ‘why him’ reason should at least be hinted at in the logline.
3: What’s the correlation between the murder that sets the story in motion and the lead’s ex-girlfriend? The lead goes undercover at his ex-girlfriend’s house, so does he suspect one of her family members is the murderer? If so who?
In other words, going to his ex-girlfriend’s house seems kind of random unless he believes there is some connection between the murderer and his ex-girlfriend.
Conclusion: I think this logline would improve if you connected the dots, after all, I am sure in the city I live in, there was probably ‘a murder’ somewhere. But I didn’t go out and investigate it. I leave that to the police.
Why is this specific murder so crucial to the lead character that he is compelled to investigate, even at the risk of his own life and the life of his ex-girlfriend?
If you tell us the compelling reason the lead must investigate the murder, in the logline, your logline will be far more gripping.