Introverted twins move to a new town where they endure (racially motivated) harassment; one finally decided to fight back.
This is kind of a cross between a logline and a tagline.
Why twins? Why not just one person? If it has to be twins, why is just one fighting back? Why not both?
“one finally decided to fight back”… how do they fight back? What do they do? A logline should give the reader a clear idea in their head what is happening. Since you put this in the Horror genre, I’m guessing it’s something grisly, but what? Does she hunt the racists down? Does she summon the dead with voodoo? Give us some specifics. Same with the harassment actually. What do they endure? Does someone shout names? Or do they get beaten up? Are they black and they’ve moved to a former confederate state? More specifics would make a big difference in understanding this story.
Don’t put things in brackets. It makes it seem like a secondary thing whereas actually, the fact it’s a film about racism is fundamental to understanding the whole concept.
Films like ‘Get Out’ have shown there is definitely a market for a racially motivated horror film so I’m intrigued to see where this goes.
I agree with everything mikepedley85 said. Also:
- Consider starting your logline with the breaking point moment – wouldn’t that be a more natural inciting incident than the town move?
- Why would one twin react when the other hits their breaking point? Surely the breaking point must then either be for them both, or for the one who is pushed?
- What is the racial motivation? One minority against another? White against black (or indeed, vice versa)?
- What is their goal? Justice? Retribution? Legal?
(No need for parentheses.)
Specifically how do they intend to fight back? What’s their game plan, their m.o.? What is their ultimate objective goal?
What’s the story hook? What is fresh and new, what sets this apart from all the other movie plots about people avenging an injury or injustice?