It’s 2151 and a bio scientist finds herself in the middle of the largest coverup in history. She begins a race against time to expose her former CEO’s deceit or else mankind changes forever.

    Penpusher Posted on May 14, 2020 in Thriller.
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    6 Review(s)

      I have a problem with the wording of your logline. The story sounds interesting, but “the largest coverup in history” is too generic to get us excited for your main character. Replace this sentence with a more detailed and visual description like “In 2151, when the whole world is contaminated and uninhabitable, a bio scientist…”

      Also, give us a better outlook of your mid-point: “or else mankind changes forever” is pretty basic and can mean anything, even in a positive way. Try to find a better way in communicating it. Don’t use “deceit” for the CEO, maybe go with “the CEO’s responsibility”. He should be directly involved and responsible for this catastrophy if you want him to be the main antagonistic force in your story.

       

      Mentor Answered on May 14, 2020.

      Brevity is not my strong suit so I’ll try to break the story down to find clarity.

      The last remaining deposit of a rare mineral is found in Northern Scotland and a bio engineering firm is wanting to purchase the land it sits under from a single farmer. Not a big deal until a bio scientist working in the R&D department for that firm finds her co-worker dead and discovers he knew the truth about why the company wants that rare mineral. It’s the missing link to create the first artificial human that can be controlled. The firm’s intent is to use these “controlled” humans to put them in position of governmental power to allow the firm to have a monopoly in the science of artificial life. Now that the bio scientist knows this information, she knows it won’t be long till she is hunted down. So she must expose the truth and the CEO (who is behind the whole scheme) before she’s dead and the truth dies with her.

      I’m having a hard time creating a succinct explanation of the what she’s trying to stop, the plot is still, “stop the bad guy or else”  but the “or else” is not easy to put in just a few words.

      Here’s another version I thought of typing this out but I still think it’s wordy

      It’s 2151 and after the last land deposit of a rare mineral is purchased by her company, a timid bio scientist is in a race against time to expose her CEO’s true intent of creating the first artificial human to monopolize it’s science and control society.

      on May 15, 2020.
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        As savinh0 pointed out, your logline is a little vague. It feels like all the most interesting bits you’ve either accidentally or deliberately omitted – otherwise known as burying the hook! Loglines thrive on specificity, so, specifically, what is the coverup? What is the CEO’s deceit? How will mankind change forever?

        Ideally a logline should be phrased as a single sentence with limited to no commas. They break up the flow for the reader and I think you could easily find a way to amend this to work without a fullstop.

        What is actually stopping your protagonist exposing her former boss? As a goal, it’s fine, but what’s standing in her way? Where does the actual conflict come from?

        I agree with savinh0’s point about the future setting. As it currently stands, if you remove the setting, the plot remains the same. So what, specifically, is in this future that means this story can’t be told at any other point in time? Either remove, or expand.

        Currently she’s just a bio-scientist… but who is she? She is at the core of this entire story so give us something more. What’s her arc? Her character flaw? Is she at the peak of her career, internationally renowned? Or just a lackey?

        There’s definitely something here, but without that specificity and character, I’m struggling to see what it is. Keep going!

        Hope this helps.

        Singularity Answered on May 14, 2020.

        Thanks Mike, I responded to savinh0 with full plot and another attempt. Would love your thoughts, thanks!

        on May 15, 2020.
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          After reading your response here is my take:
          Protagonist: A bioscientist.
          Goal: Expose her companies deadly engineered humans coverup.
          Antagonist: Bad company.
          Stakes: Mankind ruled by the companies engineered humans.

           

          In 2151 a cornered bioscientist must expose her companies deadly coverup to control the government using engineered humans before society is changed forever.

          Samurai Answered on May 16, 2020.

          Thanks Odie. You have it down except shouldn’t the CEO be mentioned since he’s the brainchild for the scheme? The company itself is legit and most in the company have no idea what’s happening, it’s only the CEO and few select people that know of the deceitful plan.

          on May 17, 2020.

          Hmm, OK.

          How about:
          In 2151 a cornered bioscientist must expose a deadly clandestine group within her company ran by a ruthless CEO that plans to control the government using engineered humans before society is changed forever.

          I think it is getting there – please fill in my liberties and gaps with your story point to polish.

          Take care.

          on May 17, 2020.

          Thanks! I think it’s a great foundation, may just change some wording but it’s focused, I appreciate the help!

          on May 18, 2020.
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            I’ve read all the comments, responses, & alternate loglines in this thread and still don’t have much of an idea what the story is about. You’re all making it too complicated. Be specific without going into too much detail. Be clear without giving everything away. Just give us the basics and make it sound interesting. Protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes. What’s actually happening, and why does it matter? Also verify the necessity of various apostrophes; that’s just making it messier.

            Mentor Answered on May 21, 2020.

            With all due respect MrLiteral, besides the apostrophes input, I do not see this as helpful for Bbass74. The reason? “We don’t know what we don’t know”. I have followed some of your reviews and your constructive argument with Karel, but have noticed you have not posted a single logline? I am starting to get the hang of the basics for a logline but need experienced folks like you to input your version so I and the community can gauge our progress against.

            Thus, I offer you a friendly challenge – post your version of the logline for us to consume and learn from.
            Thank you.

            5 days ago.

            Can’t post a version of a logline for a story I don’t understand. I’ll usually include a possible example in the review when there’s enough information already presented, but if I don’t get the story, I won’t have a useful example.

            I don’t post my own work for review because I’m not on this site to get feedback; I’m here to give it. If you don’t find it helpful, you are free to ignore it…that’s kind of the point of peer review sites: use what you can and throw the rest away.

            3 days ago.
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              To follow up on my reply I realized that the land deal is not the inciting incident so I tried again on the logline with this:

              It’s 2151 and when a timid bio scientist finds her co worker dead, she races against time and for her life to expose her company’s CEO’s true intent to create the first artificial humans to monopolize it’s science and control society.

              Penpusher Answered on May 15, 2020.
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                Still not making any sense and has extraneous apostrophes. Why does it matter what year it is? There’s nothing else described here which couldn’t be happening right now.

                Why does it matter that she’s timid? How does this character trait affect her actions, conflicts, and situations within the story? Where is the irony of this issue? Why is she racing against time? What’s setting that time limit, what’s the rush?

                What you’re doing here is introducing ideas without making it clear why they’re a part of the story, thus, we don’t get a clear idea of the story.

                Even more unclear is the latter part: who’s going to be controlling society? The artificial humans? Why is that bad? Or does the CEO want control? Why? How’s that going to affect people?

                Like I said, the ideas are presented but not the story. Tell us the basics of what happens in the first half. And proofread the apostrophes.

                Mentor Answered 20 hours ago.
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