Julia a high school girl, learns that her younger sister has a bowel syndrome disorder and should undergo surgery as soon as possible. She decides to go to Texas with her two friends. But in their road trip, they get involved in some adventures.
Check out the formula page for formatting guidance. This is more like the set up than a logline because the story kinda starts when their road trip begins. Currently the two things (road trip and bowel syndrome) seem unrelated and there’s ambiguity as to who the “she” (she decides to…) is referring to. Since the bulk of the story takes place on the road trip tell us what happens there. What’s their goal? What do they learn? What forces are working against them? Where’s the conflict and where’s the story?
Since the Inciting Event is how she learns about her sister’s condition, I’m assuming her Goal (which i shouldn’t have to) is ‘to help with her surgery’ in some way… Instead she decides to go to Texas with her two friends.
How does it relates to her Goal?
That their road trip is adventurous needs not be mentioned
Don’t use the character’s name. It’s a waste of word count, because it doesn’t tell us anything about the character, and unless it’s an existing IP the reader has no prior connection. Instead, use FLAW and FUNCTION (eg. vapid student). This tells us the inner arc of the character as well as who they are in relation to the world they inhabit.
There is no clear causal link between the event (sister has bowel cancer) and goal (road trip to Texas). Why go to Texas? What is the goal, what is at stake, and what is the conflict?
If the ‘she’ in the second half of the logline is the girl who’s younger sister is going into surgery, then you can drop the whole first part of the logline.
If the ‘she’ in the second half of the logline is the girl who is having surgery, then she is the lead character and the entire logline should be written from her perspective.