On a deserted hot planetoid, a lonely robotic puppy tries to befriend an android visitor. His attempts at friendship are rebuffed until he is put a life and death choice. When the pup gives up his very own battery, his last hope comes from a within mysterious spherical chamber.

And you should really leave some reviews on other people’s loglines. The rule is leave 2 reviews for every 1 logline you post and you’ve posted a lot just today.

For a logline it’s probably best if you try and put it into one sentence. Try:

When a lonely robotic dog on a deserted planet finds himself in his last battery he befriends a rover send from light years away in an attempt to steal his spare battery. 

On a deserted hot planetoid, a lonely robotic puppy tries to befriend an android visitor.

For the purpose of a logline that’s the core of the plot.

>>His attempts at friendship are rebuffed until he is put a life and death choice.

Second act complications, part of the script of course, but extraneous to the purpose of a logline.

>>When the pup gives up his very own battery,

A critical second act, midpoint or thereafter, moment.  But a logline should not reveal, hint or suggest that moment.

>>his last hope comes from a within mysterious spherical chamber.

This appears to be tipping the hand as to the  3rd act resolution.  A logline should  never reveal, hint or suggest what the 3rd act resolution may be.

fwiw

Just curious, is the puppy the lead character?

As your loglines part with industry convention and attract similar, if not identical, comments on a regular basis. It seems as if you haven’t read (despite many recommendations) the Training tab on the top bar.

Here are a few pointers to help you in future logline drafts:

1 – Keep it short, ideally as close as possible to 25 words.
2 – Describe ONLY the main characters and major plot points of the story – protagonist, antagonist (if necessary), inciting incident, main action and goal.
3 – Stick to the following formula: After an inciting incident motivates a flawed main character, he or she MUST undertake action to achieve a compelling goal.
4 – Lastly, clarity is all – eliminate vague or generic descriptions.