On a deserted hot planetoid, a lonely robotic puppy tries to befriend an android visitor. His attempts at friendship are rebuffed until he is put a life and death choice. When the pup gives up his very own battery, his last hope comes from a within mysterious spherical chamber.
For a logline it’s probably best if you try and put it into one sentence. Try:
When a lonely robotic dog on a deserted planet finds himself in his last battery he befriends a rover send from light years away in an attempt to steal his spare battery.
On a deserted hot planetoid, a lonely robotic puppy tries to befriend an android visitor.
For the purpose of a logline that’s the core of the plot.
>>His attempts at friendship are rebuffed until he is put a life and death choice.
Second act complications, part of the script of course, but extraneous to the purpose of a logline.
>>When the pup gives up his very own battery,
A critical second act, midpoint or thereafter, moment. But a logline should not reveal, hint or suggest that moment.
>>his last hope comes from a within mysterious spherical chamber.
This appears to be tipping the hand as to the 3rd act resolution. A logline should never reveal, hint or suggest what the 3rd act resolution may be.
As your loglines part with industry convention and attract similar, if not identical, comments on a regular basis. It seems as if you haven’t read (despite many recommendations) the Training tab on the top bar.
Here are a few pointers to help you in future logline drafts:
1 – Keep it short, ideally as close as possible to 25 words.
2 – Describe ONLY the main characters and major plot points of the story – protagonist, antagonist (if necessary), inciting incident, main action and goal.
3 – Stick to the following formula: After an inciting incident motivates a flawed main character, he or she MUST undertake action to achieve a compelling goal.
4 – Lastly, clarity is all – eliminate vague or generic descriptions.