On a quiet morning, a reformed and long-retired heavy-equipment repo man is visited by a former friend and associate to answer for a violent incident that happened decades ago.
We don’t need to know that it’s a quiet morning. It doesn’t make any difference to the story.
As Richiev said, what is the main story? Present day or flashback?
Is he a reformed and long retired criminal? The phrasing makes it sound like he has long since retired from being a repo-man. Why a repo-man anyway? What bearing does that have on the story?
This is just the inciting incident as it currently stands. The protagonist (assuming the repo-man) has no goal. How is he going to proactively push the plot forward? What’s he going to do when this guy turns up?
Sorry for late reply – I have been (and will continue to be) traveling around the world.
@Richiev Good question; and good point out. You’re right – I don’t convey the main story well enough (if at all). It’ll primarily be told through flashback, with secondary support coming from present day storytelling. In short, to answer your question, the main story is the events of the past, which are revealed through conversations had between former friend/associate and main character, which will transport the audience to the past.
How would you tweak this to drive home what I’m driving at?
@mikepedley85 Since you had meaty-response, I’m going to respond to you in a number of paragraphs; addressing all of your raised points.
I hear you on the “quiet morning” aspect; however, I’m trying to convey here that the present day conversation is only a one day thing – painting a picture in the mind of reader that the movie, effectively, takes place in one day. Does that make sense?
Main story is flashback, with present day conversations.
He is both reformed and long-retired. “Reformed” in the sense that he has done some misdeeds (e.g. violent, unethical) in the past and is now a changed man. “Long-retired” in the sense that he has NOT worked as a repo-man in a long, long time.
Why a “repo-man”? He’s not just any repo-man – but, a heavy-equipment repo-man. Think repossession of cranes, bulldozers, earth-movers, excavators, etc. – we’re talking 80 ton pieces of machinery. And, few reasons for this: 1) this was my father’s occupation for many years, so I have a number of stories from him that would play well into a Hollywood movie (some things you just can’t make up!); 2) it alters how things work. For instance, think of a high speed chase involving repossession of luxury car vs. a “high speed” chase involving repossession of a 50 ton excavator. Also, how heavy equipment is found and extracted by creditors is much different than how automobiles are found and extracted by creditors; and 3) inherently, when dealing with multi-ton, 8 figure, construction equipment, the stakes are raised.
Good point regarding the inciting incident. I don’t really point out a goal – I need to rethink this. You pose good questions in how my pro will push the plot forward and how he will respond after the former friend shows up. I need to think about this. Certainly, my pro will be surprised – but, what other feelings will he have? I will think through it further.
@Richiev and @mikepedley85 – I appreciate the feedback. We will be in touch!