Following a career-defining launch of a state of the art submarine, a high-ranking U. S. government official finds her life turned upside down after she learns that her estranged husband is hunting her.
Presario2200Logliner
Following a career-defining launch of a state of the art submarine, a high-ranking U. S. government official finds her life turned upside down after she learns that her estranged husband is hunting her.
Share
The sub and her husband read unrelated. So it doesn’t make a story.
She finds out, has a goal, tries to achieve it but X stops her.
I can’t see what the story is from what you have posted
I’m trying to do a rewrite but there isn’t enough here. Why is her husband hunting her? What is her goal? What is her actual job — i.e. what does she have to do with the submarine and what does that have to do with the story. All of those things need to be in there first.
“Following a career-defining launch of a state of the art submarine, a high-ranking U. S. government official finds her life turned upside down after she learns that her estranged husband is hunting her.”
Take a look at the Training tab at the top of the page for some structure guides.
The part where her husband tries to kill her should be framed as the inciting incident. Then, what does she do after that?
Example:?When she is shot by her husband…
Then what must she do?
Although the story is unclear, I like the building blocks i.e.? in spite of her great achievements and in spite of the fact that she works for the most world’s powerful military machine, she is a fearful of one man – her estranged husband. I’m not sure if that is where you are coming from,? but I think there is potentially rich material there.
The biggest question I have is: how can her husband threaten her while she is on a submarine? Does he get on the submarine somehow? Is he a navy officer under her command?
Let’s just look at the basics.
i can see a few stories here.
1) both on sub, she is attacked, she blames him, he has alibi. Attacks escalate.
2) she is attacked, blames him. No record of him on sub. Attacks escalate.
3) she is attacked she doesn’t know by who, finally discovers he is on sub
4) ?she is getting threats then all of the above.
or he off the sub, has left a bomb, virus etc and no one believes het ( not a fan).
Her physical situation is the story. Focus on that for a few versions
OK. Let me explain exactly what is going on. Trying to write a log line for this story is not easy for me.
Liam Dunham (b. April 4, 1960; 56 yrs. old) is a former C. I. A. special agent who was assigned to the Middle East during the Afghan War (April 27, 1978 – Present). He is sent there from February 15, 1989 – April 30, 1992 to monitor the Soviet withdraws in the area. However, he was not just collecting information for U. S. Intelligence. He became disillusioned with the C. I. A. and the United States, and joined Al-Qaeda, becoming a leading member.
During a special joint operation with the F. B. I. and the N. I. C. a few years later, he is captured in the U. S.; and is presently serving his sentence at a Federal Prison.
However, he was prematurely released in May of 2012.
Upon his release, he plans to take revenge on those who sent him to prison. His first target is his ex-wife Dr. Samantha Ryan from the Department of Defense Psychological Operations Department.
In the present day, Dr. Ryan and her son, Parker, have relocated. She is still working for the D. O. D. and he is attending a private college.
It is also during this time, and because of the attacks on Tuesday September 11, 2001, that various world governments, through the United Nations, began a large-scale operation to fight against terrorism. The project involves the creation of two international organizations working in concert.
The first organization is called the ?International Multiple Threat Alert Command? or ?I. M. T. A. C.?.
The second is called the ?United Earth Defense? or ?U. E. D.?.
Prior to the creation of this international organization, the United States, along with a few other countries, were already working on a TOP SECRET project called ?Leviathan?, which was meant to be a state of the art military submarine, which can also be used for scientific research.
Now, because of her position within the Department of Defense, and a change of pace from everything that has happened, because of her husband, she decided to oversee personally how the crew and the international scientific community who will be working on the vessel get along together.
Unfortunately, her ex-husband, who has been keeping track of her, has found out about all this; and plans to seek revenge against her, and those who sent him to prison by arranging to have a computer virus placed into the submarine.
During the submarine trials, a technician inadvertently discovers a video message from Liam.
As the crew try to find a way to save themselves and the submarine, they manage to send a weak message to the United States Government about what has been happening. The government discovers that Liam Dunham, with the help of Al-Qaeda, is behind the cyber attack.
Now, an international manhunt is underway to stop Dunham and prevent an international incident that has not been seen since 911.
Therefore, I ask you these questions. Will Liam Dunham be stopped? Will an international incident be prevented before all hell breaks loose? Can a log line be created from all this?
These and other questions will be answered on the next episode of ?As The Ocean Churns?.
Thank you.
Example:?When her ex-husband finds a top secret submarine and transmits a?virus in it, a government official must lead the hunt to find him and the people he’s working for.?(~31 words)
That’s my attempt. But answer these questions, and the logline practically forms itself:
What is the inciting incident? What specific event makes the woman spring into action? (Example: Uncle Ben’s death)
What is the goal that the protagonist forms because of this event? (Example: Peter Parker decides to use his great power responsibly, as his uncle would want)
And what is the method she goes about doing this? (Example: Peter Parker uses his powers to be Spider-Man, protecting those who can’t protect themselves.)
If you need more help, also check out the Training tab at the top of the page.
It seems you have the story very well thought out. Just out of curiosity is the script already written?
The inciting incident is a specific event. “Liam Dunham is hell bent on revenge on those who sent him to prison. One of the people he intends to exact revenge on is his ex-wife, whom he believes betrayed him to the authorities.” is not a specific event. An event would his attack on his wife, or the uploading the virus. Something specific, like in my example before.
The goal is what that event forms. So, the wife’s goal is not what you stated, because that is not what comes about from the inciting inciting incident.
Still does not describe an inciting incident, or the protagonist’s goal.
Continuing with my example from before, take this:
After he fails to stop his uncle’s death, a nerdy boy with spider powers becomes a superhero to honor him.?(~20 words)
Now, of course this doesn’t exactly mention a specific plot, but it’s the story of Spider-Man. It still describes his goal and what event caused him to form that goal. Now, more specific:
When the Green Goblin kidnaps Gwen Stacy, Spider-Man must search New York to rescue her.?(~15 words)
The inciting incidents are Uncle Ben’s death, and also Gwen Stacy’s kidnapping. Two, specific events. Uncle Ben is shot dead, Goblin takes Gwen. They are not ongoing actions, they are BAM, that just happened.
Now, ?Peter Parker then uses the powers he failed to use to save his now to protect New York. And after Gwen is kidnapped, he searches for her, fights the Goblin, and tries to rescue her.
So the goals are to protect his city, and to rescue his friend.
At the beginning of ?your film, after the setup, what happens. What sets your protagonist into action?
I created the following log line with this “log line generator” http://hammonscripts.com/high_concept_logline_generator.html
In order to help create an international antiterrorism taskforce, The D. o. D. Director of Psychological Operations Dr. Samantha Ryan struggles to overcome her ex husband and the terrorists with whom he is associated.
Spider-Man is a well known story, one of the most well known characters in the world. You were more likely to be familiar with it than some obscure action film I think up.
Of all of the Star Wars films, Padame’s death is not the inciting incident of any. Certainly not “Revenge of the Sith”, where it happens at the end. I am not sure what point you are trying to make; Padame does die, Vader does eventually find out that Luke is his son, and he never goes after Padame. So, no, I don’t get it. I get what actually happens in the films.
To use Star Wars as an example, the inciting incident of “A New Hope” is when the Stormtroopers kill Luke’s family. That event makes change his mind about becoming a Jedi, and he goes with Ben Kenobi to help him deliver the message to Leia, and to train to be a Jedi. The inciting incident is not Padame’s death. Padame’s death help sets up the situation, yes, but an inciting incident it is not.
Likewise, “Liam Dunham?comitted treason while with the C. I. A. He was sent to prison. He was freed from prison by mistake. He now seeks revenge.” is not an inciting incident. It is set up to what is implied happens: him attacking his wife or doing whatever it is which drives her to action.
“In order to help create an international antiterrorism taskforce, The D. o. D. Director of Psychological Operations Dr. Samantha Ryan struggles to overcome her ex husband and the terrorists with whom he is associated.”
The common practice is, that unless it is a character from an existing franchise or a real person, do not name the characters. ?’Struggles to overcome’ is vague. What does she do? Does she investigate, does she infiltrate a terrorist organzation? What specific action does she take?