Possessed by an angel, a reclusive student is forced to track down the host of an escaped demon and exorcise it before he becomes its next victim.

    Penpusher Posted on October 18, 2015 in Thriller.
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      Hello, I like it!

      I just feel a little contractidiction between track down the demon and becoming his victim…  I suggest to cut the “before he becomes his next victim”.
      I’m not fully confortable with the “forced by an angel” – who is your main character, the reclusive student or the angel? If your main character is the student i wouldn’t use the word forced or you’ll have a passive character. If the student is just a flesh vehicle for the angel, then write the logline with the angel as a main character.  Or, the angel and the student share the same body, and this could generate conflict maybe but mostly confusion (how do you show, visually, this struggle between the student and the angel)? Remember of the fail of “the host” by Niccol, where an alien mind and a human mind share the same body.

      Good luck!

      Mentor Answered on October 18, 2015.

      Thanks for the feedback, I’m glad you like it!
      I was thinking of cutting “before he becomes his next victim”, I just felt that without it the logline lacked any clear conflict. I do want to include the threat of mortal danger, but the way I’ve done it may not be the best. I’m struggling to think of any alternatives though.
      The student is the protagonist and the angel is sharing his body, taking control when necessary. Thanks for the suggestion, would changing “is forced to” to “must” help avoid this?
      Visually I’m planning on having it so that he has a doppelganger only he can see following him around (with a change in eye colour to let the audience distinguish the two) to represent the angel (and vice versa when the angel is in control), so hopefully that will be enough to show conflict. I haven’t seen The Host, so I’m not sure how they represented it there, but hopefully I haven’t done the same thing!
      Thanks for the advice!

      on October 18, 2015.

      Please watch “the host” and read the critics… the aliens have blue shiny eyes and the human normal eyes…

      If the student is the main character, what is his goal ? maybe his goal is just to send away the angel and do his normal life again ? Why he “must” take action ? If he doesn’t want to be killed by the demon, he “must” stay away?  Maybe in the next rewrite all this will be clear!

      good luck

      on October 18, 2015.
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        It sounds like the MC is the angel and the logline should be told form his or her point of view. The angel can still take control of the students body but the story is the angel’s not the student’s.
        What is the big danger posed by the demon outside of the that to the person he or she is possessing? Is there a greater good the angel is fighting for than one human? Could the demon be trying to bring about the Apocalypse for example?

        I think the stakes need raising significantly and an inciting incident needs to be specified.

        Hope this helps.

        Singularity Answered on October 18, 2015.
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