Recovering from his suicide attempt, a famous techno artist regains his passion for music as he falls in love with a transsexual woman painter with internalized transphobia, for whom he will sacrifice his popularity for her to realize her worth.
Okay. Stories that are anchored by and whose primary focus is a romantic relationship can have what amounts to dual protagonists.
Now then. You can expect a producer or director to expend 12-15 seconds of their precious time reading a logline. So every word must matter, must make an impression. Brevity is not just a virtue, it’s a necessity.
The current version of this logline is 40 words in length. Which , based upon my study of 875 loglines (to date), is the upper limit for the length of an industry standard logline . So I would suggest pruning out the phrase about internalized transphobia because: 1]I don’t think it’s obvious what that means ( it certainly wasn’t to me). A logline should be self-explanatory, a statement that can be immediately understood. 2] I think most people apprehend intuitively that transsexuals endure formidable social and psychological challenges and conflicts. Even those whose values are not in sympathy with the transsexual community. (And if they aren’t in sympathy, they’re not going to respond favorably to your logline no matter how you word it, right?)
Finally, a logline is a statement of characters objective goal, not their subject needs. Why? Because film is a visual medium; attaining an objective goals can be seen. The objective goal of the USA women’s soccer team was to win the world cup. How do we know they succeeded? Because we saw them score points, saw them hoist the cup in victory.
So what’s the visual for “realize her worth”? What does that look like? What will an audience see on the screen that let’s them know they couple have succeeded? What is their common objective goal? Or their commensurate goals?
I’m not quite sure of the connection between helping someone overcome their transphobia and giving up their popularity.
If the lead character gives up his popularity, the painter would still be transphobic.
(Obviously there a piece of the story missing that bridges this gap and would probably be important to the logline)