RESUBMISSION: When the government embarks on a genocidal programme against junkies, a self-righteous policeman battles to save his drug using sister.

    Carrion

    Darrin Nightingale Default Asked on November 24, 2012 in Public.
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    6 Review(s)

      Is it possible to use a different word for “junkies”?

      Then you won’t have to use the term “drug using”, since most people would correctly assume that she is a drug user.

      For instance – “…genocidal programme against drug abusers, a self-righteous policeman battles to save his sister.”

      Also, who is the policeman battling against exactly? The government? His police force? Drug abusers? I think some clarity here may also help.

      Default Reviewed on November 24, 2012.
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      I still think the self righteousness works best as a part of the battle and not a character description.

      When the government embarks on a genocidal program against junkies, a/an policeman must confront the system and his own self-righteousness to save his drug using sister.

      insert: in your face, hard nosed, street hardened, crusty, old, jaded, tough as nails, washed up…

      I don’t know how you make it work with the sister. Siblings, having grown up together, aren’t usually very tolerant of the ‘choices’ their siblings make – hence the self righteous ‘you suffer the consequences of your choices’ attitude. It might work better to make it a niece or granddaughter. I would think the extra bit of seperation would actually aid in his conversion… or the widow of his OD’ed brother if you want her to be his contemporary. Just some thoughts. That I have these thought may just mean you need to add a description to the sister other than drug using as her being one is implied by the fact that she needs saving from this program (and ‘program’ would be the Hollywood/Yankee spelling).

      Default Reviewed on November 25, 2012.
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      I had the word ‘insert’ bracketed by the less than greater than symbols between ‘a/an’ and policeman. The brackets must have ‘deleted’ that. So “insert” a description there or choose one of the cliches that I listed.

      Default Reviewed on November 25, 2012.
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      I think it’s the genocidal program that’s unclear. How about,

      ‘When the government threatens to execute all junkies to stop a drug epidemic, a member of the arresting police force must battle his own self-righteousness in order to be able to save his sister.’

      I think sister is spot on. And she should be a younger sister who disobeyed all her bother’s so called ‘advice’. Of course, he never asks why she is doing what she does, just assumes it’s to show him up and embarrass him. He is a pretty narcissistic character, unable to empathise – until this edict, of course.

      Anyway, just a suggestion.

      Default Reviewed on November 26, 2012.
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