[REVISED x 2] When an elder demon makes contact with a young woman, the young woman agrees to face three challenges on peril of death to retrieve from Hell the imaginary friend she doomed there as a child.
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[REVISED x 2] When an elder demon makes contact with a young woman, the young woman agrees to face three challenges on peril of death to retrieve from Hell the imaginary friend she doomed there as a child.
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This logline attempt is better. However I would use a different adjective than young, because it doesn’t tell us anything about the lead’s personality.
When an elder demon contacts a young woman who has to undertake three deadly challenges to save her childhood imaginary friend.
I just simplified the wording. Interest story.
If the story is about the woman retrieving the imaginary friend from hell the inciting incident should be her dooming the friend there in the first place not the demon appearing.
I also suggest it be a real friend as the stakes would be higher than with an imaginary one. In addition, the fact she sent the friend to hell makes her a bad?person, why not make it so either she accidentally condemns the friend or someone else sends them to hell instead? This way she become a hero that saves the day.
My try:
After her childhood friend is condemned to hell, a physicist must face three challenges given to her by a demon in order to save her friend.
I made her a scientist to imply that she is an atheist, and would therefore have a greater problem in dealing with religious matters. I think one problem I have with many theology based concepts is that they inevitably lead to a religious?message?of sorts, and the theme tends to direct the writing instead of the plot.
I see.
In that case I suggest referring to the friend as a real friend, demon or not, other wise the description confuses the stakes.
I think my revision still stands as a good example of a re draft.
On peril of death is nice but wordy and not as punch as “deadly challenges”. Plus you save words.
You also repeat ‘a young woman’ the second can just be ‘she’.
I’d rewrite it, I am on a phone which makes it a bit hard to type.