Revision 2: A telepath must install a countermeasure in a guarded government facility, before an anti-telepath weapon is launched.

Jessie Samurai Asked on July 11, 2018 in SciFi.

I kept the attack on the whole city. I think, I can pull it off. The “weapon” is simply going to affect everyone, not only telepaths.

on July 11, 2018.

Revision 3: When stopping a government mind-control weapon fails, a group of rogue mast make a costly alteration to the past.

on July 12, 2018.
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6 Review(s)

“Deep emotion”… why deep emotion? There is nothing that establishes why this is a problem for government. If it’s connected to the telepathy this isn’t clear. For the reader to want the protagonist to succeed they have to understand what’s at stake and why.

As mentioned in previous comments “trade in” is a bit cold-hearted. It doesn’t suggest that this is a difficult decision for her. Why not “sacrifice”?

That then leads to the question, what is this about? If it’s about her struggle to make this decision, the one or the many, then make that clear. In this version she knows what to do and she does it. Simply having to make a choice to “trade in” her lover is not visually interesting as the conflict happens inside her head. Make her goal something visual, interesting and almost unachievable. This will help the audience get behind her.

The fact that she’s an outcast and has powers of telepathy seems to have no impact on the story (based on this logline). If you give the protagonist characteristics and superpowers then they have to be incorporated elsewhere. If the government was killing those with telepathic powers it makes sense but that’s not what’s happening in this story based on this logline.

I’m trying to ignore all previous conversations we’ve had about your story and just focus on the information I got out of this logline. I know the decision to sacrifice her lover would be tough for her BUT in the logline it doesn’t seem like a challenge for her. Most people will just read the logline, there’ll be no further conversations so you won’t have the chance to explain and divulge more info.

Hope this helps.

mikepedley85 Mentor Reviewed on July 11, 2018.

Yep. It stays tricky. The actual physical action is to install the countermeasure.

Got to link the telepathy with the anti-telepathy weapon.
Leave out outcast.
Prolly keep the inner conflict out altogether too then…

I’ll be back! (Yes, I can say it like “Arnie” lol)

on July 11, 2018.
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As mikepedley85 said.

And there’s a missing link in the logic.  How/why will trading in her “beloved” (beloved who/what:  lover, child, dog, cat?) enable her to rescue the victims?

dpg Singularity Reviewed on July 11, 2018.

Thank you! Off to version 3 we go.

on July 11, 2018.
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Why is the objective to install a safeguard and not to destroy the weapon?

The stakes are clear. You’re missing the event section (why now?) but I assume it’s just that the telepath finds out about the weapon somehow.

The bigger issue is, now that you can see the story at its core … what makes this story or screenplay worth a reader’s time? Because I’ve definitely already seen ‘magic people must destroy doomsday weapon’ – in Star Wars or X-Men or a dozen others. What’s unique about this iteration?

Nicholas Andrew Halls Samurai Reviewed on July 12, 2018.
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There’s a line under your logline. Under that, another line. Between those two lines, if you hover, three buttons will appear on the right. One of those is your edit button. You could also have added the new logline in a comment underneath the original, like you did on this one for “I kept the attack on the whole city”.

TullyArcher Samurai Reviewed on July 11, 2018.

The edit buttons don’t appear on phones I don’t think. At least not on mine.

on July 11, 2018.

try converting the page to desktop view from the browser. You may find it.

(For editing Logline:
1. Switch to Desktop Site from your browser.
2. Tap in the space between the logline and the Add Comment line. (You will see the options).

For editing Comment:
1. Just switch to Desktop Site and you will see the Edit and Delete options.)

(See. Indians work in BPOs not just because they are cheap labor????????????.)

on July 11, 2018.

Thank you! ???????? tried that, though. Same problem from my tablet. Even had trouble with the last one only (it worked previous times) on my desktop. Just that particular posting… Tis a mystery. I’ll obviously avoid this as best I can.

on July 11, 2018.

Lots of random tapping at a blank spot helped lol

on July 11, 2018.
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