JessieSamurai Asked: July 11, 20182018-07-11T00:59:25+10:00 2018-07-11T00:59:25+10:00In: SciFiRevision 2: A telepath must install a countermeasure in a guarded government facility, before an anti-telepath weapon is launched. Revision 2: A telepath must install a countermeasure in a guarded government facility, before an anti-telepath weapon is launched. ShareFacebook6 ReviewsVotedOldestRecentTullyArcher 1 Logline 51 Reviews 3 Best Reviews 1,311 Points View Profile TullyArcher Samurai 2018-07-11T01:50:13+10:00Added an answer on July 11, 2018 at 1:50 am There’s a line under your logline. Under that, another line. Between those two lines, if you hover, three buttons will appear on the right. One of those is your edit button. You could also have added the new logline in a comment underneath the original, like you did on this one for “I kept the attack on the whole city”.0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppMike Pedley United Kingdom (UK) 70 Loglines 702 Reviews 100 Best Reviews 51,232 Points View Profile Mike Pedley Singularity 2018-07-11T04:46:34+10:00Added an answer on July 11, 2018 at 4:46 am ?Deep emotion?… why deep emotion? There is nothing that establishes why this is a problem for government. If it?s connected to the telepathy this isn?t clear. For the reader to want the protagonist to succeed they have to understand what?s at stake and why.As mentioned in previous comments ?trade in? is a bit cold-hearted. It doesn?t suggest that this is a difficult decision for her. Why not ?sacrifice??That then leads to the question, what is this about? If it?s about her struggle to make this decision, the one or the many, then make that clear. In this version she knows what to do and she does it. Simply having to make a choice to ?trade in? her lover is not visually interesting as the conflict happens inside her head. Make her goal something visual, interesting and almost unachievable. This will help the audience get behind her.The fact that she?s an outcast and has powers of telepathy seems to have no impact on the story (based on this logline). If you give the protagonist characteristics and superpowers then they have to be incorporated elsewhere. If the government was killing those with telepathic powers it makes sense but that?s not what?s happening in this story based on this logline.I?m trying to ignore all previous conversations we?ve had about your story and just focus on the information I got out of this logline. I know the decision to sacrifice her lover would be tough for her BUT in the logline it doesn?t seem like a challenge for her. Most people will just read the logline, there?ll be no further conversations so you won?t have the chance to explain and divulge more info.Hope this helps.0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppdpg 105 Loglines 5,551 Reviews 551 Best Reviews 112,204 Points View Profile dpg Singularity 2018-07-11T06:18:06+10:00Added an answer on July 11, 2018 at 6:18 am As mikepedley85 said.And there’s a missing link in the logic.? How/why will trading in her “beloved” (beloved who/what:? lover, child, dog, cat?) enable her to rescue the victims?0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppNeer Shelter 23 Loglines 2,803 Reviews 258 Best Reviews 55,452 Points View Profile Neer Shelter Singularity 2018-07-11T15:00:48+10:00Added an answer on July 11, 2018 at 3:00 pm Jessie,In future, please repost revisions under the original logline.About the logline, agreed with the comments above. I’ll add that in this new version there’s no inciting incident, what was the event that sets the MC off on his or her journey? If it’s a government facility, wouldn’t the weapon be developed under wraps? How did the MC find out about it?0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppMike Pedley United Kingdom (UK) 70 Loglines 702 Reviews 100 Best Reviews 51,232 Points View Profile Mike Pedley Singularity 2018-07-11T17:06:30+10:00Added an answer on July 11, 2018 at 5:06 pm Reviewing version 2 //?As Nir Shelter pointed out there is no longer an inciting incident but you’re getting closer. This needs to be how she discovered the weapon and it needs to be exciting and visual. This first scene is the audience’s first introduction to your SciFi world and you need to show them around and make sure they understand it fully before the story really kicks in. If telepathy is such a strong feature, the inciting incident should use it BUT figure out a way to make this visual. Telepathy is a boring superpower onscreen because it all happens inside their heads.“Install a countermeasure” is a very vague goal and again, it all sounds too easy. Why not “must lead a group of highly-skilled misfits and break into a high security government facility to disable the device before…” Now I can see the story. This is the bit of the logline that describes the bulk of the story so it needs to sound like there’ll be obstacles to overcome.“Anti-telepath weapon” – it’s better than the whole deep emotion thing but make it more primal. Does this machine simply disable the ability to telepathically communicate? Make it a machine that will kill all the telepaths and if it is, stick it in the logline.After overhearing a government plot to wipe out all telepaths while being tortured for her abilities, an antisocial telepath must?lead a group of skilled misfits, break into a high security facility and disable the device capable of wiping out her kind.This is way too wordy but hopefully it gives you some ideas. 0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppNicholas Andrew Halls 53 Loglines 569 Reviews 6 Best Reviews 1,740 Points View Profile Nicholas Andrew Halls Samurai 2018-07-12T14:40:59+10:00Added an answer on July 12, 2018 at 2:40 pm Why is the objective to install a safeguard and not to destroy the weapon?The stakes are clear. You?re missing the event section (why now?) but I assume it?s just that the telepath finds out about the weapon somehow.The bigger issue is, now that you can see the story at its core … what makes this story or screenplay worth a reader?s time? Because I?ve definitely already seen ?magic people must destroy doomsday weapon? – in Star Wars or X-Men or a dozen others. What?s unique about this iteration?0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppYou must login to add an answer. Username or email* Password* Remember Me! Forgot Password?