(Revision #3) It’s 1963. A naive teenager and her older sister, sibling rivals who argue over everything, go to an all-night party that sets them on the path to a singing career. They secure a recording contract, but soon discover that the rock’n roll lifestyle is a roller coaster lifestyle of extreme highs and tragic lows.
What, specifically, happens at this party? I’ve been to lots of parties and it’s never once launched my singing career. The party itself is somewhat irrelevant.
What is the protagonist’s goal? Once she’s got this recording contract, what’s she trying to achieve? Just saying “rival older sister” or similar is probably enough. Rivals fight over everything.
Isn’t every life a rollercoaster of extreme highs and tragic lows?
I think it needs to be shorter, there needs to be a clear goal, and give us some stakes. If it feels like the protagonist has already got what she wanted, we have to understand what does she stand to lose.
In drama, the bad gals and guys get all the lucky breaks; the good gals and guys get none– they have to earn their success the old fashioned way, through hard work and perseverance.. Yet in this scenario, the girls seems to get the luck breaks, success is handed to them on a silver platter. There is nothing to indicate they earned success on their own merits, by their own efforts.
Further, there is nothing new in a story of a career that is a roller coaster ride of highs and lows. That’s SOP for just about every movie ever made about the rise and fall and rise and fall of musician.