Seduced into a world of drugs, sex, and money after abandoning her loved ones, model-slash-actress hopeful must determine if losing herself, is worth it to become a star.
miiLogliner
Seduced into a world of drugs, sex, and money after abandoning her loved ones, model-slash-actress hopeful must determine if losing herself, is worth it to become a star.
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Sort of works. Just be specific. Remove the ambiguity (hopefully). That is good for marketing,, but you are trying to interest a producer who is a partner in development. They need to know what they are deciding on. There a million scripts, don’t make them work to understand your work.
Put her aim and her struggles.
As CraigDGriffiths said. ?The logline is a promotional tool to hook the interest of movie makers so that they will want to read the script. ?And what they are looking for is a specific plot, that is, a character struggling to achieve a specific objective goal against a specific adversary and/or obstacle.
What doesn’t interest movie makers in a logline are morals of the story, life?lessons the protagonist ?needs to learn. ?The hard way, of course, that goes without saing — so don’t bother saying it. Leave that for the script.
Although I’ve been writing since I could hold a pen, this is my very first attempt at writing for a TV series…
We HAVE a lesbian who maintains a relationship with an older gentleman that pays her bills without having to sleep with him. No one knows about this person-yet.
Another character is just loudmouthed and exceptionally crass, but he battled and defeated his sex addiction (he was a bug chaser) and still attends meetings that no one knows about-yet.
We have another character who is of Indonesian decent who was raped in her tribe, forced to have her child only to have her child taken from her
So what is the plot of the pilot episode? ?What is the story hook to hold an audience’s attention, ?makes them curious enough to want to tune in the following week to find out what happens next?
There is a “fifth” character- this one isn’t truly introduced because he is already one of the main charecters.
The beginning of episode two shows this fifth person essentially giving a blowjob in exchange for drugs, we do not see this person’s face- the camera will be positioned in such a way that the audience doesn’t completely lose sight of everything going on.
After small conversation (“5th” has a southern accent, without the camera breaking, this person walks away and attempts to jump on the metro, but it reads insufficient funds, said person walks over to the counter but has no accent at this point)
Mii
As DPG and Craig point out – you need a main character.
Who is this show about in the first episode?
What is it the main characters will do every episode?
I have four main charecters however three are only introduced in the first episode.
In the first episode the Indonesian woman is meeting, let’s call the other character Karl.
Indonesia meets Karl after Sofie (person three) explains that Karl is really is….
This is an portion of the pilot script.
*
SOFIE
Well you know KARL
Flashback sequence here
We get a sense that INDONESIA knows a bit TOO much about KARL
INDONESIA
Yeah, which accent is he using on some defenseless helpless rich guy this time?
SOFIE
His name is Tyler, hes from eastern Turkey here on a Rhodester scholarship. He?s the youngest of 7 brothers who picked on him terribly as a child. He could never never date in school because her brother’s would deem it IMPOSSIBLE so he focused on his studies and he sends everything he can back home to help protect his family from the violence going on and to simply put food on the table.
INDONESIA Rolls her eyes then bursts out in laughter as the train doors open and they walk off
INDONESIA
I mean, WHERE does she get it from? HOW does she get away with this- don’t guys realizeeven falling for this?
SOFIE
Similar to items you don’t get on holidays or your birthday- It’s called a gift my dear. Just like what a tight, Spanish guys job to clean the pool.
Shirtless.
Preferably in speedos.
A Spanish woman and her child shoot him a dirty look, INDONESIA- obviously embarrassed.
Can you name the three main characters in the pilot, and describe in one sentance what each of them wants?
This logline needs that one extra thing.
Is there something in your script that stands out?
because the naive girl who goes to Hollywood and get’s hooked on drugs and sex has been done.
As a result your logline you need something that makes your story stand out from the rest.
Not saying this isn’t a great premise. just that you need something in ?your logline to grab the reader.
As Richiev said. ?The “star is born” — and corrupted in the process — is a been-there-done that plot line. ?What’s so special, so unique about this concept that makes it any different (new and improved) from all the rest?
And, again, how does that translate in a specific plot for the pilot? ?A plot with the basic elements of a specific character with a clearly defined objective goal and a specific antagonist and/or clearly defined obstacles?
And stakes? ?What are the stakes?
I know we’ve been going back and forth a bit but I’d really like to start this off by thanking all of you for your help (and also not making me feel like an absolute idiot).
So thanks everyone 🙂
Sofie just wants fame, any way she can get it- she’s more supporting so I guess I’ll kick her out.
Graham doesn’t know what he wants really, with anything- from his random day jobs to relationships, unfortunately, there is quite the backstory for his character that is only really revealed through interactions and flashbacks so with that. I’m guessing he’s out too?
Which leaves my Indonesian victim of sexual abuse who moved to the city in pursuit of her dreams only to realize that she’s only running from her past.
Okay, but those “wants” need to be translated into a specific goals which lead to specific actions — a plot. ?That is what a script has to be about: what characters do about what they want.
And the “doing” (not the wanting, ?not the talking) is what movie makers are looking for in a logline as well as the script.
>>>Graham doesn?t know what he wants really, with anything
Then the character is DOA — dead on arrival. ?Characters who don’t know what they want don’t belong in a script. ?Drama is about characters who know what they want and actively try to get it. ?It may be a morally bad goal. ?It may turn out to be the wrong goal. ?But every major character must have a plot goal.
A protagonist must, by definition, be proactive.
fwiw
Imagine sitting opposite an executive and pitching them a story about characters who don’t know what they want and haven’t got any clear goals. It’s basically the same as Seinfeld’s pitch for a show about nothing… albeit that worked for him, but it was a parody of TV executives.
What is a good comparison for your show? Can you say: yours is like ‘this’ meets ‘that’?
Let’s assume your MC is the Indonesian woman. You wrote she moved to the city in pursuit of her dreams, but what does that mean in a practical sense? Also, what action does she take to achieve them?
When I start developing a script, I imagine the story as if I were to write it as a 1st person short story. I do this to figure out which character is the main one. In a novel or short story, if it’s first person, you don’t want a character who is away from the action. In Percy Jackson it is Percy’s point of view, and in countless other first person novels.
Television is a bit different because you have the freedom to spend entire episodes without a character, so a few more main characters work. But for a pilot I suggest telling a self-contained story that can be built upon later. A great video, from a great YouTube channel, talks about Breaking Bad’s pilot. Here’s a link to the video, which I think is a great resource.
I hope this helps.
Have any of you seen the show mixology(Netflix)? I love the way the storylines flow (as elementary as the show is)
A more mature example would be that of the movie Crash.
Both of these are shot in chron order in a shorter period of time…
Karl is an exotic dancer but he tells everyone, including his Indonesian cousin, that he is a bartender. Every other episode consists of Karl almost being caught or having to cover his tracks- needing a name of this fake catering company he works for, having to explain the fact that he can’t answer his phone for long hours, how he has so much money, etc.
I watched the video (thank you SO much for that) and I believe that the show should be based around the Indonesian character or Karl. Indonesia because there is the person (technically persons) of her past that is trying to enter her life present day and Karl because of all the lies he has to tell everyone.
The issue is that I don’t want the audience to know that the dancer is Karl until later on in the season (approximately episode 3 or 4) but there will be clues (his cell phone cover matches the cell phone cover of the man who was performing oral sex, he will mention something about how he only made 300 bucks in “tips” but we will see the character getting 300 dollars in payout from the club, etc)
For the logline I suggest only focusing on the pilot. And as I said before, the pilot should be a self-contained story, a story that shows what the series is about, and opens up ways to continue, but is almost like a movie. So, what plotline does the pilot focus on, what character is the main focus?