The story is about grief at its heart. He doesn’t want to fix his mental illness as he will lose her all over again. But the police’s decision to move on triggers him to fix the suburb she loved by addressing the crime that killed her.
CraigDGriffithsUberwriter
Seeing his wife’s ghost each morning for breakfast a man becomes vigilante after the police decide to stop investigating her murder.
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This logline needs to be shuffled around a little bit, the way it reads, it sounds like seeing his wife’s ghost is the inciting incident when really it is the police stopping the investigation.
So all the elements are here, but just in a slightly jumbled order.
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After the police end the investigation into his wife’s murder, a man haunted by her ghost becomes a vigilante, determined to find her killer.”
So true. Thanks.
I think you can do better than “a man”. He’s your protagonist after all. Can you give us a little more so we get some idea of who he is and what his arc is. I’m guessing it’s being able to let his wife go at the end?
I agree with Richiev about the structure – the police stopping the investigation is the inciting incident.
I think there’s a big difference in saying “becomes [a] vigilante” and “fixes the suburb she loved”. The latter is infinitely more powerful. Also, Richiev makes a valid addition in including his goal after he becomes a vigilante. Your logline doesn’t really get us past the first act – what does he specifically want to do as a vigilante? I refer back to the “fixing the suburb she loved” bit. This doesn’t fall into the Thriller genre as much as “catching his wife’s killer”.
I feel like the seeing his wife’s ghost feels disconnected to the plot and again, I got a lot more information from the text under the logline. Is it a delusion or is he actually seeing her ghost?
After reading the text under the logline I could make complete sense. So that needs to change.
Otherwise I really like the idea/ where it’s going.
Here is the short pitch.
Each morning he has breakfast with his wife’s ghost (he knows it is a grief hallucination). He meets a woman and that is in the early stages of a romance. The cops come and tell him her murder is now a cold case. The man that runs his local shop is killed during a robbery.
He now decides to use his job as a taxi driver, a job that goes always unsure. To find people that deserve punishment and dispense some justice.
This brings the police into his neighbourhood. This fuels his rage. His wife is begging him to stop. To go seek help. But getting help will mean he will never see her again.
His new romance calls the cops.
The story ends with him letting himself be shot by the cops. He realises he has become part of the problem. He will also get to see his wife again.
sorry for the autocorrect issues.
Unsure should be unseen.