(Set in the late 19th century) To prevent the bank foreclosing on her family estate, a brilliant teenage biologist must travel to Australia to track down her missing parents, but discovers a world full of strange monsters and must create one of her own to survive.

Paul Clarke Samurai Asked on October 12, 2017 in Horror.
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6 Review(s)

The specific event that motivates her to create her own monster needs to be in the logline. Perhaps she’s attacked by a fill the gap creature and is locked inside her field lab with no other alternative but to create her own monster for protection. Kind of like Pokemon in the 19 century…

Either way, by the end of the logline she has two goals – still wants to find the parents and needs to survive. Which is the primary goal she pursues throughout most of the story?

Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on October 12, 2017.

Thanks Nir, good points. I’m still developing the idea and haven’t got as far as the specific creature/event that puts her in enough danger to warrant creating her own. I’ll keep working on it.

With regards to the two goals, I think finding her parents must certainly be the main goal, with her survival simply implied (a goal required for any adventure involving peril), after all she cannot achieve her goal if she dies first. So perhaps I will remove the word survive and replace it with – “must create one of her own for protection.” – do you think that would correct the problem?

Or perhaps – “… but when she is threatened by strange monsters she must create one of her own.”
(i’m afraid it’s already becoming wordy).

on October 12, 2017.

“…must create one of her own for protection.” – do you think that would correct the problem?…” – to a certain extent, however, I would argue that it’s better to describe the reason that motivated her to take action instead of just mentioning that she must do something – let the reader come to the conclusion that she must do what she does from the details of the story.

on October 16, 2017.
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Recommend that you don’t say “brilliant”. Focus on her desperation and situation urgency instead. Show her being brilliant/overcoming stuff. When I read this, I feel she will 100% succeed already. If she discovers a world full of magical creatures then why must she create one of her own when she can just take/train one?

As far as her parents go, she only tracks them down for financial reasons and not for love of family?

Foxtrot25 Summitry Reviewed on October 12, 2017.

Thanks Foxtrot.

Instead of brilliant, perhaps ‘genius’ or something similar?

The odds are stacked against her as she is a young woman in a strange land, at a time when young women were even more disrespected and undervalued. Basically she is smart and talented as a biologist/scientist, but that’s not necessarily going to help in a  outback Australia with all the rough men and strange animals. I want to highlight that she is special, but that it doesn’t necessarily make her journey easy. I would like to mention that the journey is ‘fraught with danger’ but again the word count is already very long. Any suggestions?

And yes, I felt it implied that there was some love or family bond involved, but that’s not specific enough to create an inciting incident. The fact that they have been out of contact for long enough to cause the bank to attempt to take their property is the straw the breaks the camel’s back and sparks her on this journey.

on October 13, 2017.
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I like the idea of a teenage girl having to strike out on her own, venture into a strange new world of wonders and dangers, but like Nir Shelter I’m mystified as to what really is the primary dramatic problem.  Also what is her starting point — where is she coming from at the start of the story?

dpg Singularity Reviewed on October 12, 2017.

Thanks dpg,

Her starting point is England. I will look for a way to include this without using too many words. The starting point and thrust of the story is this – A very intelligent teenage girl who spends her time messing with animals and creating strange hybrid creatures, is the daughter of rich parents who spend their time exploring the world. They have been gone for a while, but this is not uncommon. But when the greedy bank pounces and tries to take the family’s considerable estate and other property, she has no choice but to follow their last known location in Australia, which is still a very underdeveloped and rough place. She travels alone, and finds it more dangerous than expected, and certainly does not fit with her posh English ways. She is fascinated by the strange creates (a platypus, WTF?) A rough man defends her against other rough men. There is a hint of a blooming friendship, but the others kill him. She brings him back to life using other animals parts and he becomes her protector as she ventures deeper from the beaten track following clues to her parents whereabouts. – So it’s a Frankenstein inspired story, but I was trying to avoid using that word as it feels to me like it would make it a cliche. The title would be Mary and Frank so I figured that might be enough of a hint?

Anyway, if anyone was able to help compress that idea into 30 words I’d be your friend for life 😉

on October 13, 2017.
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As a side thought, if you changed “must create” a monster, to she “must become” a monster, imagine how much more of a character arc your story has just from that tiny change.

Foxtrot25 Summitry Reviewed on October 13, 2017.
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