Single father and cat burglar Greg Valdez steals an ancient artifact and must outwit a 700-year-old madman to save the life of his son.

    Penpusher Posted on March 22, 2019 in Fantasy.
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    3 Review(s)

      When does the son need saving? Before or after the father steals the artifact.

      In other words, does the father steal the artifact as part of a plan to save the son?
      Or does stealing the artifact set in motion a series of events that leads to the son needing to be saved? This isn’t clear from the logline.

      Also, The first line needs re-written. When I first read the line, I thought you were talking about two different people, not one. In other words, it reads like: Single father (Character number one) and cat burglar Greg Valdez (Character number two)  steal an ancient artifact…
      However, with a few simple word changes, it is a simple fix.

      Singularity Answered on March 22, 2019.

      Great feed back, thank you

      on March 24, 2019.
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        Usage of the word “ancient artifact” with “700-year-old madman” makes me want to guess “stealing the artifact” will lead to “the son needs saving”. As Richiev pointed out, it requires guesswork. My issue is: Since he stole it, why is the madman targeting his son?

        It also needs clarity with what’s stopping the father from killing this-very old-madman?, for us to map the urgency of his situation; to better imagine his Goal.

        PS. Drop “Greg Valdez”, unless it’s historically relevant, or an IP.

        Summitry Answered on March 22, 2019.

        Thanks for taking the time

        on March 24, 2019.
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          Yep, don’t leave readers guessing, having to read twice, three times to figure out what the story is.  A logline has  one  window of opportunity, 10-12 seconds, to pitch the plot, set the story hook.  There are no second chances.  A reader must immediately grasp what the story is about ,  immediately get hooked.

          An additional challenge in this logline is that the protagonist is a thief.  We may sympathize with his son for being an innocent victim.  But it will be hard to sympathize with the protagonist; the dramatic predicament is his fault.  His action has caused the fecal fury  that is inflicted upon his son. 

          Singularity Answered on March 23, 2019.

          thank you, I love it

          on March 24, 2019.
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