When a self-made CEO develops a romantic connection with an ageing musician she must confront the loss of her company and her own mortality to rediscover love that transcends all.
What does “confront the. loss of her company and her own mortality to rediscover love that transcends all” look like on screen? To me, it seems that this is all stuff that’s happening internally, in her head. Film is a visual medium however, so how could this all be represented in an objective goal?
As it currently stands, confronting the loss of her company doesn’t in any way relate to the relationship with the musician. Talking about her mortality… is she dying? I feel like there’s bits of information missing that are required to understand the story completely.
The inciting incident is not just one incident at the moment. It’s the development of a relationship with someone. You could be talking days, weeks, or months. Could you bring this down to one moment? One question that is asked of the protagonist which sets up a very specific goal.
I agree with everything Mike said, except… I think rediscovering love can visual. It’s just too ambiguous as to how she’s doing that. Anyway, here’s a logline that I came up with that I’d want to watch the movie for. As I was playing around with the words, I realized that if we were to give someone a clear goal, it’d likely be the ageing musician and not the CEO. This is good, because the ageing musician sounds much more interesting and cinematic 🙂
When an ageing musician falls in love with a self-made CEO that just lost everything, he must help her reconnect with her humanity and find reason to go on living.
What is the main plot of the story,
Is it the lead falling in love with the musician?
Or is it about the loss of her company and what the lead must do because of it?
In other words, which is the A plotline, and which is the B plotline?
Because right now the two halves of the logline seem a bit disjointed
On the plus side, the main character is female and there are not enough of them in scripts. And the main character is also a woman of a certain age other than an adolescent or a young adult. And they’re are not enough scripts about them either.
In a romance, there needs to be a seemingly insurmountable obstacle (as in “Romeo & Juliet”) and/or a seemingly intractable wedge issue (as in “Tender Mercies”) that threatens to sabotage the relationship. Or love happens unintentionally while two people with seemingly incompatible personalities, clashing temperaments and agendas are forced to work together to solve a common problem (as in “One Fine Day”).
And I don’t see any of those dramatic configurations here. Well, almost none. There is a hint of a compatibility issue in the sense that she has lived life in a frantic pursuit of material success, the bottom line, and he has live life in pursuit of artistic expression. Perhaps he has taken time to stop and smell the flowers (or at least sing about them) and she hasn’t. If that is the case, it needs to be highlighted. Initially the disparity of their backgrounds and professional goals should be a source of conflict not romance.
Whatever.. It seems to me the logline needs to suggest a source of conflict, of ongoing dramatic tension between the two characters, not just between characters and their careers or whatever else they are dealing with in their lives.
Finally, the logline kind of gives away the ending “rediscover the love that transcends all”. That is something a logline should never do. The outcome, particularly a happy-ever-after ending, should be in doubt. The initial odds should be overwhelmingly not in favor of romantic success.