The Lord living under an alias tries to reconcile with his estranged daughter who is a member of SWAT, but kills to police officers in self defense and not only finds himself at war with a brutal police force, but his daughter and now the salvation of humanity hangs in the balance.

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The Script “CEMENT PILLOW”

LucienYork Penpusher Asked on May 15, 2018 in Superhero.
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To further the Superman analogy I used in your last logline attempt:

Let’s say Jimmy Olsen and Clark Kent get into a dispute at work.  Jimmy Olson discovers that his lunch is missing from the break room. This has happened before and now Jimmy is angry. Someone is eating his lunch which he clearly marked.

Jimmy is sure that Clark Kent is the culprit and confronts him. The two argue loudly but the dispute is not resolved,

The next day Jimmy retaliates by putting a bunch of salt in Clark Kent’s lunch. Clark can’t prove Jimmy did it but he knows it was him.

The situation escalates, as both men retaliate against one other with petty revenge tactics, soon the entire paper gets caught up taking sides in the dispute.

Finally, Perry White calls them in the office to mediate, when he can’t resolve the issue, he ends up firing Jimmy Olsen because it is clear both men can’t work together.

Here is the problem, Nothing about this plotline is necessary for “Superman” to be the lead character; the lead character could be Joe Schmo with no superpowers and the story could have the exact same plotline. It might make for an interesting ‘B’ storyline but if you are going to write about Superman it should be about him saving the world from an evil Super Villian.

Why is Jesus necessary for your story? What is it about your story that it has to be Jesus instead of just an ordinary man who has an estranged daughter and gets into a fight with the police?

Because that one extra thing which makes your script need to have Jesus as your lead character will be your hook; and the hook should be in your logline.  So I would add why the lead character must be Jesus and not Joe Schmo, and in doing so, it will greatly improve your logline.

Richiev Singularity Reviewed on May 17, 2018.

Thanks Richie V your comment is on point. Is this one better…

The Lord living under an alias has returned to earth to make final judgement concerning humanity as prophesied, but is brutalized by two police officers bringing him face to face with his estranged daughter a Sergeant of SWAT. Their confrontation will decide the fate of mankind.

on May 18, 2018.

“…to make final judgement…” There! That’s the goal!! And a great revision of your logline too

on May 18, 2018.

Cool, I have a much better understanding of the story now.

on May 18, 2018.

I don’t.

The Lord, by definition, is a demigod. Why doesn’t he click his fingers and boom problem solved? How can he have a daughter in modern day? Is she 2000 years old and a god herself? If so, why is she a sergeant? How will their confrontation decide the fate of mankind? In what way are all humans dependant on these two individuals?

There’s too much at the base of this concept that doesn’t make sense.

on May 22, 2018.
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Lucien York,

Stop posting new versions of the same logline as new threads, please restrict any further iterations to an existing one.

Your revised versions seem to lack the fundamental elements a logline requires and you don’t seem to be incorporating the suggestions given to you so far. Best you read about logline conventions and study the comments other users have given you.

Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on May 15, 2018.
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>>>if I fix the tech issues it will get made…
But it isn’t yet

& while we are trying to point out the “tech issues” you really are posting the same version again.

Do you think your film will solve itself?

Currently it does not read as a film idea, however original your writing might be. There’s got to be a reason why – despite of being inspiring – it isn’t sold yet. Try to wrap your head around that…

variable Overlord Reviewed on May 16, 2018.

Okay…

CHARACTER
The Lord

WANT
Relationship with daughter

OBSTACLE
Police

What’s missing from the logline?

on May 17, 2018.

goal..

on May 17, 2018.
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>>> fix the tech issues 
Such as?

The fundamental problem I have is that the premise of a JC who fights back rather than turn the other cheek is both a story hook — and a story obstacle. It’s an obstacle because it is diabolically and diametrically opposite to everything known and believed about the religious figure.  The question dangling over the logline that goes begging for an answer is: WHY?  Why is he this way?  Why is a man who preached  — and practiced –non-violence acting violently?  (Why do you want to portray him that way?  Other than exploiting JC with a provocative twist to his character and teachings, what’s your point?)

And even  if I get past that obstacle, I still don’t get a connection between the the conflict and the stakes  It’s not logically obvious why all humanity gets in the crossfire of JC’s private war with the fuzz – -why their lives are at risk.

fwiw

dpg Singularity Reviewed on May 17, 2018.
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