To date the girl of his dreams, a romantic peeping Tom enlists the help of a local cat burglar, but her perilous methods put his law-career at risk.

    Samurai Posted on October 3, 2017 in Comedy.
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    4 Review(s)

      Paul,

      While not bad for a comedy, realise how odd this sounds.

      A peeping tom enlists a local cat burglar? Did he use craigslist to find the burglar? You would think both should be conspicuous since their activities are illegal.

      Beyond this obvious setup that you wrote, I fail to see how this peeping tom constitutes a viable protagonist if his MO is as advertised. He’s law enforcement too? I guess that is comedic relief.

      The good news is that you have a ton of interesting and ironic things working for your comedy.

      I would assume he falls for the cat burglar instead if his initial target when all is said and done?

      A shy “cop” follows the lead of a sexy cat burglar in order to meet the girl of his dreams only to realize that he ultimately lusts that which he cannot have.

      Summitry Answered on October 3, 2017.

      Thanks Foxtrot, great points.

      The nature of their meeting is a little complex and I struggled to fit it into a concise logline. She steals his camera with incriminating photos, but he also works out she’s the cat burglar. So they are each at the mercy of the other and must work together.

      As for the law part, I meant as a lawyer. Both of them are law-students, it’s a college age movie, but I missed that vital piece of information in my attempt to strip it back. I’ll look to add it back in. Perhaps if I changed it to ‘law-degree’ it would be clearer, but it would also seem like lower stakes.

      Thanks again.

      on October 3, 2017.
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        For anyone reading this for the 1st time with no prior knowledge of the many discussion threads, the logline is not likely to make sense.

        The guy wants to score with his dream girl — so he enlists the help of a cat burglar.  WTF?  Again with no prior knowledge of the discussion — which is how producers, directors and agents will encounter this logline — it’s going to seem nonsensical.  Which means the logline is not going to accomplish it’s mission.

        And knowing the discussion threads, I still think the cat burglar is the more interesting character.  The guy’s a wimp.  She is a stronger and more interesting character.  She’s the hook in the logline — not him.  I suggest the story, and logline, be framed around her.

        Enough said.

        Singularity Answered on October 4, 2017.

        Indeed, I’m afraid you’re right. Still a work in progress I guess.

        With regards to focusing on the Cat Burglar character. Yes, she certainly is the more interesting character, but plays the role of strange attractor. The story is told from his point of view, so it feels a cheat to write the logline from hers, as that is selling a different story. It might hook people into reading, but then disappoint them when they do.

        I’m curious what the logline for something like American Pie would be, as that has the same type of wimpy romantic male lead (as do many others).

        Anyway, I’ll keep at it. Thanks for the tips.

        on October 4, 2017.
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          Lol, dpg. I raised an eyebrow just the same. I even went as far to think that “cat burgler” was a metaphor for stealing the heart of the girl he loves.

          Cat burglaress? Is that a thing? I picture that hot thief dressed in black from the T-mobile commercials a few years ago.

          Summitry Answered on October 4, 2017.
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            Hey Paul,

            The latest version of the logline still suffers from the same problems as the previous.
            Check out all the good comments you got and see how you can adjust the concept and logline accordingly.

            Singularity Answered on October 4, 2017.
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