To regain his status in the high ranks of the order after a shameful ban, an arrogant, yet talented sorcerer sets off to hunt one of the most vicious rebels in the realm.
The apprentice part is a good idea, thank you.
What makes a good golden fleece is not the aquiring of the object, but the road and the experiences learn through it, that’s what I’m aiming for.
I think the hook would be the fact that as an apprentice, he goes against a very strong opponent, so basically him going against the rebel. You think that’s not enough to intrigue a reader?
So basically, this form “In order to save the lives of his people, an arrogant sorcerer sets off to hunt one of the most vicious outlaws that ever set foot in the realm.” seems to be the best shot in your oppinion? I mean,would you read this script if it was on your desk,working at a studio?
Btw, I very much appreciate your time and your help. Cheers.
After a vicious outlaw kills a member of the ruling forces of a society, a young, yet talented sorcerer sets off to hunt him down in order to protect the people and prevent a potential war.
I’ve used both the catalyst and the big event here. Better?
I suggest that “a member of the ruling forces” isn’t personal enough. But it’s your story.
Also, I suggest the logline should indicate that initially it’s an unfair fight in favor of the antagonist. That is, the outlaw has to be more than vicious, he has to possess some sorcerer-like powers and skills of his own, that are even more potent than those sorcerer. The odds must overwhelmingly be against the sorcerer. Otherwise, there’s no meaningful suspense.
Again, hearkening back to the template of the Star Wars saga: Luke (and now Rey in the reboot of the franchise) initially go up against villains far more skilled in the use of the Force than they are. They must learn under duress — fast.
I don’t get that sense that the odds are overwhelmingly against the sorcerer. The outlaw may be vicious – but that doesn’t mean he has greater powers to prevail against those of the sorcerer. My sense is that the odds seem to be initially in favor of the sorcerer. So what is the factor in the fight that creates suspense?