Two sworn enemies become trapped in an isolated house, fighting off violent locals, after one of them is accused of a hit and run.

    Mentor Posted on November 7, 2019 in Thriller.
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      24 words I think.

      The must (the goal) is there – to stay alive or die.

      The stakes are clear – again, to stay alive.

      The inciting incident is here.

      I want to do something about how one act of violence leads to another. Hopefully “after one of them is accused of a hit and run” is enough. Reminds me of First Blood.

      I’m keeping it mysterious why these guys are enemies – and trying to keep it lean.

      I’m leading with “two sworn enemies” and leaving the I.I. for the end. Reads better.

      “Two sworn enemies” keeps them mysterious. I think the fact they’re enemies or there’s friction – suggests at any moment one might betray the other or give up the other.

      I dunno – this is the most deliberately opaque this idea has got thus far ha. It’s lean though.

      I got rid of some of the specificity (“man who accidentally killed his wife”) to keep it lean. Put back “isolated” to help paint the picture.

      What do you think?

      Mentor Answered on November 7, 2019.
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        Hi darkhorse,
        The logline makes me want to ask questions. Why are they sworn enemies? Why, if only one of them is accused, are they both fighting off the locals?

        Penpusher Answered on November 8, 2019.

        Hi Kendra.

        I think I might have to abandon this one for now. It steadily became more convoluted and hard to explain.

        From experience – if that logline can’t be explained in 25 words or less – you’re fucked ha.

        Thanks for the reply.

        on November 8, 2019.
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