When a 17 year old’s father is imprisoned she must outwit cops and criminals to get him out, whilst fooling social services into believing she can raise a previously estranged 11 year old brother.

Jo Logliner Asked on August 12, 2017 in Drama.
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4 Review(s)

“When a 17 year old’s father is imprisoned she must outwit cops and criminals to get him out, whilst fooling social services into believing she can raise a previously estranged 11 year old brother.”

This logline raises multiple questions about the credibility of the concept.

For example, why does the father deserve to be broken out? Is he innocent, framed? How does a teenager have the skills and ability to outwit cops who are trained and have experience dealing with smart criminals, and then criminals? Are the criminals in prison? If they aren’t how does she manage to outwit criminals who are smart enough to not be in prison?

The logline also presents two objective goals. For the logline only the main plot should be described. Once again, the second plot described raises credibility issues. How does a 17 year old outwit social workers who have to deal with adults using their own tricks and such in order to keep their children?

The main problem with the premise is that it seems all of the adults, the antagonists, are turned into dumb idiots so this teenager can outwit them and do whatever she wants. The concept may work better as a comedy rather than a drama.

Dkpough1 Summitry Reviewed on August 12, 2017.

Super advice…Thank you!

on September 10, 2017.
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Ahh the old “…outwit…” maneuver…

What does “…outwit…” mean in practical terms? It’s these details that will make your character’s story interesting.

How will she break him out? That’s your hook. There must be a cool and interesting way for to achieve this goal or else the premise lacks credibility and originality – there have been many prison break films and shows over the years, this would have to stand out to get made.

Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on August 13, 2017.

Thanks Nir. Awesome as always. 😀

on September 10, 2017.
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I agree with the Dkpough’s structural assessment of the logline; to wit, that it proposes 2 objective goals instead of 1.  Plots should be driven by one  over arching objective goal.  Which is it in this case?  To free her father or outwit social services?

And if her primary objective goal is to free her father, does he deserve to be freed?  (This revised version of your earlier idea doesn’t say his incarceration is undeserved.) Is that an objective a film audience will want to see her attain?

That said, I think there is a potentially compelling story about a teenager struggling to keep her family together and raise her brother after her father is incarcerated.  But that doesn’t seem to be the primary story you want to tell.

fwiw

dpg Singularity Reviewed on August 12, 2017.

Super advice…Thank you!

on September 10, 2017.
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Thanks guys. I’ve changed it up. And it definitely has a strong comedic twist. But Nir, I know you hate the word ‘dramedy’…Lol, so I’m too scared to use it.  Anyway (tee hee) here is a different, but correct, spin.

“Determined to gain custody of her estranged little brother, a hopeless young woman enlists her imprisoned father’s nutso employees to fool Social Services into thinking she’s responsible.”

Jo Logliner Reviewed on September 10, 2017.
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