When a 20 year old girl inherits her family’s land surrounding a mysterious lake, she must fight developers to save both the lake and her alien boyfriend.
JayGeeLogliner
When a 20 year old girl inherits her family’s land surrounding a mysterious lake, she must fight developers to save both the lake and her alien boyfriend.
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“When a 20 year old girl inherits her family?s land surrounding a mysterious lake, she must fight developers to save both the lake and her alien boyfriend.”
For general information on making a standard logline, review the Formula tab at the top of the page.
The inciting incident of a story should be a single, impactful event which motivates the protagonist to pursue the story goal. How does her inheriting this land motivate her to do anything? This logline also suffers from having two?separate objective goals. Which does she originally set out to accomplish? To save her boyfriend or save the lake? ?And how does fighting developers accomplish this goal?
Her age doesn’t matter in the logline, what is a personality trait or a skill she possesses?
Overall, the logline suffers from multiple problems, with vague descriptions, multiple topics that aren’t connected well enough and it doesn’t describe a clear, visual action. What does fighting developers mean in the story? Is it a legal battle? Are they trying to kill her? With what? At the end there’s a SciFI element added, it could be alien spaceships.
Here’s an example using a few elements from your logline:?After bounty hunters attempt to capture?her alien boyfriend, a hothead woman must learn to use alien technology to fight them off and save his life. (26)?
I went full SciFi with my example, but I tried to include my suggestions by giving her one goal, describing an action which can be visualized clearly from the logline, and an inciting incident which logically motivates the protagonist to pursue her goal.
I hope this helps.
A logline should describe a plot driven by a unity of action, one primary throughline of action. ?So which is the unity of action, the organizing principle of the plot? ?The lake or her boyfriend? ?Pick one and build the logline and plot around that.
If it’s the lake, what’s so mysterious about the lake that it makes she MUST fight to save it. ?And save it from what? Developers? ?Who is her adversary? ?Who poses the threat to fate of the lake?
Good advice, dpg. Often times I try to include multiple objectives within my logs to make things sound more meaty.
I often go back to the log for Breaking Bad:
A high school chemistry teacher diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer turns to manufacturing and selling methamphetamine in order to secure his family’s future.
This just falls under the perfect category for me.
The pilot plot for “Breaking Bad” is a model for how to craft a logline and a storyline. ?The ?logline not only lays down the inciting incident and objective goal but also the stakes: ?he’s doing it for the sake of his family — not for himself. To make enough money for their welfare after he dies.
So he’s doing an illegal, socially unacceptable act — cooking meth — which is dramatically justified by a socially acceptable motive, to provide for the future of his family.