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Dkpough1Uberwriter
Posted: May 1, 20162016-05-01T01:47:36+10:00 2016-05-01T01:47:36+10:00In: SciFi

When a bio-terrorist’s engineered plague infects a superhero, he breaks out of prison to create a cure for the woman he loves.

When a bio-terrorist’s engineered plague infects a superhero, he breaks out of prison to create a cure for the woman he loves.
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    11 Reviews

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    1. 95Eric Penpusher
      2016-05-01T02:31:15+10:00Added an answer on May 1, 2016 at 2:31 am

      Great start! But because it’s a superhero ?story, it could be useful to hint at what makes the superhero “super”. Is it an alien with special powers? A rich playboy that moonlights as a vigilante? That little bit of information will help the audience get a grasp of who the antagonist is.

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    2. Erica Samurai
      2016-05-01T02:38:09+10:00Added an answer on May 1, 2016 at 2:38 am

      Was thinking the same thing about the superhero.? What kind of superhero?? Seems a little strange a superhero gets sick, not that it can’t happen.? I guess if you gave superman kryptonite soup, he would get sick.? I’m also not sure if the bio terrorist is trying to save his girlfriend the superhero??? To me Bio Terrorist means he is the bad guy, does this mean the superhero is bad also?

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    3. Dkpough1 Uberwriter
      2016-05-01T02:51:42+10:00Added an answer on May 1, 2016 at 2:51 am

      The story is not about the superhero, it’s about the bio-terrorist who is trying to save her, so describing the superhero would take attention away from the protagonist, the “bad guy” terrorist. I see what you’re saying Erica, it could be interrupted as him trying to save someone other than the superhero. But I’m not quite sure how to reword that yet.

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    4. IDredMan Penpusher
      2016-05-01T03:40:16+10:00Added an answer on May 1, 2016 at 3:40 am

      Oh!
      I may not be the master of loglines. So far, I don’t think I’ve come up with a single good one.
      But from the logline, I completely thought the story was about the superhero, not the bio-terrorist.
      Does that mean… The superhero is the woman he loves?
      I don’t know if this is the logline’s problem or if I’m just stupid.

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    5. Dkpough1 Uberwriter
      2016-05-01T03:54:40+10:00Added an answer on May 1, 2016 at 3:54 am

      I have two different versions that I think could fix the misunderstanding with the pronoun.
      1: When a bio-terrorist’s engineered plague infects her, the convict breaks out of prison to create a cure for the superhero he loves.
      2: When a bio-terrorist’s engineered plague infects a superhero, the convict breaks out of prison to create a cure for the hero he loves.

      Do either of these make it clear that the convicted bio-terrorist is the one the story is about?

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    6. dpg Singularity
      2016-05-01T08:03:51+10:00Added an answer on May 1, 2016 at 8:03 am

      >>A question for dpg, what is the reason you asked me if I thought about switching the genders of the superhero and MC?

      Because in most movies in this and related genres, the plot formula is for the guy to rescue the gal. ?So why not make this story an exception, make it stand out from the pack by reversing that stereotypical formula?

      And I have the same question as others: what’s so super about a woman who can get infected with a bio-engineered bacteria? And what about the 7.5 billion normals? Aren’t their lives in equal mortal jeopardy?

      And why did he bio-engineer the bacteria in the 1st place? Why is he in prison? ??I’m only asking questions about the back story the script must answer — in the 1st Act, the 1st 30 pages, no less — to make the story going forward into the 2nd Act credible.

      Finally, my impression remains that there are (at least) 2 stories here. ?You do realize that the #1 element producers and directors are looking for in a SciFi concept is its franchise factor. ?The more potential it has to become a franchise, the more likely the script will get read — and produced.

      Ergo, think ?franchise. ?And write accordingly. ?

      fwiw

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    7. Dkpough1 Uberwriter
      2016-05-01T09:58:05+10:00Added an answer on May 1, 2016 at 9:58 am

      Ah, that’s what I thought but I just wasn’t sure. Okay, the gender isn’t really important to the story. My original intent was to make him an African American man, which in fantasy/sci-fi are usually in non-important roles, or stereotypes. Or quite often stereotypical minor roles.
      One last comment, I always like a good standalone story, everything is turning into franchises now, rather than giving new(and more diverse) characters their chance to have their story told. Anyway, it is a world filled with superheroes and powered people, that does suggest it could easily be a franchise.
      Anyway, onto the story. While the points you bring up are things should definitely be answered, most of them probably shouldn’t be included in the logline, but if you’re curious I’ll explain a little. The superhero does have superpowers, but she isn’t immune to diseases. And there are more superheroes than her, which is why in my first version I referred to her as the “world’s greatest superhero”, so not everyone else is normal. As for how she gets infected in the first place, I will say that a villain got a hold of the plague and modified it to rid him/herself of this hero, but the MC still is guilty because he created such a deadly plague in the first place.
      And the last thing, he does commit a terrorist attack by releasing the plague, and he goes to prison for that reason, but again I think saying that he breaks out of prison is enough for the logline. As for why he engineered the plague, I haven’t the foggiest clue yet.
      I do agree, that the story that is presented as her backstory in this logline is a story in itself.

      Revision: When a bio-terrorist’s engineered plague is modified to infect a superhero, the convict breaks out of prison to create a cure for the hero?she loves.

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    8. TheBear Logliner
      2016-05-04T07:47:28+10:00Added an answer on May 4, 2016 at 7:47 am

      I’m not sure why this needs a ‘superhero’ – it seems like a straightforward story of a guy’s invention getting out hand and threatening someone he loves – almost like a Frankenstein thing.

      However……
      If you really want to introduce a superhero element, how about making the engineered plague the thing which gives the superhero his powers? Thus, in order to save the woman he loves, he would have to lose his superpowers.

      And if you want to make a franchise, in the sequel you could create a way to restore his powers but with a constant threat to his life (a la Iron Man).

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    9. Dkpough1 Uberwriter
      2016-05-05T11:28:19+10:00Added an answer on May 5, 2016 at 11:28 am

      >”I?m not sure why this needs a ?superhero?”
      It doesn’t really ‘need’ a superhero, but that’s the world that she lives in. One with heroes and villains.
      >”, how about making the engineered plague the thing which gives the superhero his powers.?Thus, in order to save the woman he loves, he would have to lose his superpowers.”
      That changes the story. The story is about a woman who fell in love with a superhero, one of the world’s greatest, and then an action she did causes him to only have 3 days to live. The woman then goes to any length to save him. And besides, the plague was created for a purpose that is completely different from what you suggest. (not that you could know from this logline).
      So, again, it’s not the superhero’s story, it’s the story of a woman who is trying to redeem herself, because she let herself become one very villains he had to stop.

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    10. dpg Singularity
      2016-05-05T23:39:09+10:00Added an answer on May 5, 2016 at 11:39 pm

      So the central conceit of the story, the inciting incident, is an irony, that a woman bioengineers a plague (for whatever reason) ?that has an unintended consequence: it turns out to be the only way to kill a superhero, her ex-boyfriend, the man she still loves?

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    11. Dkpough1 Uberwriter
      2016-05-06T07:12:51+10:00Added an answer on May 6, 2016 at 7:12 am

      >>?”it turns out to be the only way to kill a superhero”
      It’s not the only way, it’s just that a villain who modified it modified is specifically so the superhero’s known abilities wouldn’t be able to counter it. (the plague itself wasn’t meant to be a plague, and in fact plague is the wrong word but I didn’t know exactly what it was when I started.)
      But yes, the thing she created is the thing that is killing the man she loves. The concept is simpler than what people seem to be taking it for, but that’s because I included ‘superhero’.

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