When a commuters’ activist group throws the bar car onto the tracks, lonely office drone Donald Brewster and his boozy compatriot patrons must make a case for saving the raucous rail-car or risk losing their home-on-the-way-home.
I definitely like the premise of this movie as someone who used the cafe car on an Amtrak for my commute regularly. You can have a lot of characters from different walks of life in one location that’s cheap to shoot.
My concern is with obtaining the goal here. So they want to save their boozing car, but how do they do that with action that can sustain a movie? Ie, How do they “make a case.” Write letters to Amtrak? No action there. Stage a sit in? Doesn’t really seem credible, and what are they really risking? I think you need to focus on what they are going to do.
A TV show about the folks that gather in the booze car of an Amtrak train would be great.
As for your story and taking into account what Ckharper said. I guess the ‘story’ would be about the lives of the commuters, their ups, downs, and trials. The overall main story would be what they do when they discover the train car will be taken away.
So I do think there is a concern about, “is there enough main story here,” but if the ‘real’ story is about the commuters lives and those stories are interconnected to the main plot then it would probably work.”
Instead of saving the bar car, the boozy compatriots want to end it? The first one is relatable and sounds like a midlife crisis story where they want to hang on to their vices and crutches and wrong behavior. Perhaps the story is about the last few days with the bar service as they deal with their personal issues and mark the end of an era.
If it’s really about the protag(s) ending the service, then it’s hard to care for him despite the merit in his objective. He’s the party-pooper, the a-hole not minding his own business.
Is most of the script on the train?
I’ll stop there because another logline attempt is in order to clarify the intention.